Rebaching Season 23 Episode 3
Another week, another chance for the girls on The Bachelor to talk about the show they're currently on as if they do not understand the concept. As this week's episode starts, one of the girls, frustrated, says, "I hate having to watch my boyfriend make out with a bunch of other girls!" I'm sorry to break it to you, but he's not going to stop doing that for another two months.
As this week begins, we have three feuding pairs to keep our eyes on. The pageant queens Caelynn and Hannah B., Sydney and Onyeka after the bullhorn debacle, and Tracy and Demi because I don't think either of them has a single gene in their body that isn't constantly Being Too Much. Sydney tells us she can't wait until the drama is over. We all scream at our televisions, knowing the drama is never over.
Chris Harrison comes to bring the first date card, and I think this is the first week they have all not bothered to get dolled up for this moment. Demi, who is wearing glasses and pajamas, is absolutely unrecognizable. The attendants of this date are Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and, much to Hannah's chagrin, Caelynn. This is the inevitable pageant self-implosion we've been waiting for, folks.
The girls are bused over to a pirate dinner show, where they will be competing to see who is the "best pirate." Weird flex, but okay. I didn't know hitting people with foam sticks while wearing a bedazzled eyepatch was a prerequisite for being a wife, but also I'm definitely not in the market to be Colton's wife specifically. When they arrive, Colton is standing completely still in pirate garb of his own, and for a split second you are tricked into thinking he is a normal hot person with a personality. Instead, we all know he is a robot designed to promote abstinence. Demi, who is back to her normal self after putting on fake eyelashes, monologues about how much she wants to eat him (or something equallt weird) while not blinking once. Spooky.
Two pirates come out to referee the challenges. All is going smoothly until the Hannah B. and Caelynn showdown, where Caelynn essentially just steps down and lets her opponent win. Somehow, though, she is still picked as one of the "two best pirates" with Tracy, and wins the final challenge to untie Colton from the mast. They make a cute couple, kinda, and she has managed to make real human sentences, so that's why I'm rooting for her over Hannah B. Hannah, obviously, is not rooting for Caelynn, so takes a very noticeable swig from her wine glass when she wins.
The cocktail party for this date is in an antique shop, which they all ooo and aaa at as if this is not a feature of every single season of The Bachelor. Colton sits down to "make a toast," the only phrase that rivals "virginity" for most frequently said on this goddamn season of this goddamn show. The first half of this date is almost completely occupied by Demi shedding her outer skin and revealing herself to be a sex demon. Before she's even made eyes at Colton, she calls Tracy out for being the oldest woman on the date. "If I was the oldest woman here I don't even know what I would do!" she says. "And all of us are so beautiful, I don't know what I would do if I were you!" She throws her head back and releases a terrifying laugh towards the heavens. She spanks Colton with a paddle and gropes him with a detached mannequin hand to remind us, yes, she was released from a sex dungeon right before she was allowed on the show. She thinks of nothing else.
The rest of this date is dedicated to the extended saga of the dueling pageant queens. Caelynn is up first - you can tell Colton is really digging her, despite his inability to start any conversation with a question that isn't "did you have fun today?" Yeah, of course she did. She's contractually obligated to. Hannah B., however, is determined to ruin this because ... I dunno ... she wants to silently sit in a hot tub with him some more? Her motives are unclear. She starts whispering to Colton about how Caelynn is manipulative, as if she's not wearing a microphone and only her date can hear her. You can tell this is pulled out of nowhere because she can't give any specific adjectives or instances, only that she was generally kinda mean. She says Colton can't like her and Caelynn at the same time because they're so different, but when Colton repeats this back to her she's suddenly like "What? No! I never said that! I said this other vague and confusing thing!" I'm confused, Colton is confused, and Hannah B. is confused that Colton leaves without giving her a kiss, as if she didn't just defame someone's character.
As is always customary on this show, Colton immediately goes to get Caelynn's side of the story. She immediately bursts into tears, so I'm prone to believe her more than Hannah, whose face is stuck in a permanent pageant smile. Colton goes to give her the rose, and all the other girls have no clue what is going on. Hannah B. is deathly silent.
After the commercial break, it cuts back to the house, where a crying Caelynn is being consoled. Meanwhile, Hannah B. is sitting as far as physically possible with Heather, who appears to be her only friend. Another reason I believe Caelynn - she's upset about how Hannah B. will retaliate against for getting the group date rose, while Hannah B. is going on a tirade about how "it would suck if I went home before her." It definitely doesn't sound like you're only here to beat this one person, Hannah, not at all.
After all this drama, I feel like the episode should be over. Nope. We still have two dates to go. Elyse, who is the perfect human being, should be running for president, and who I would willingly give both my kidneys to, gets the one-on-one. They take a helicopter ride and spend the entire day running around an empty theme park with children. Not only is the allotted helicopter ride a coveted date, but Elyse probably had the first conversation with Colton this season not about his virginity. They talked about their passion for charity and Elyse shared the story of how her sister passed away to save the life of her baby. I think she has surpassed being a perfect human being - she must be a superhero. If it were up to me I'd pick Elyse, everyone else can go home.
Alas, however, not every date can just be Colton and Elyse. The second date card reads "every man needs a stronger woman," and everyone else is in attendance other than Hannah G. She looks pretty upset, especially since she's been a front runner until now, but that doesn't stop Caitlin from bragging about it as if everyone else is the room isn't also going.
For this date, they are transported to a gym that has a shirtless Colton out in front. You'd swear they've never seen a shirtless man before, because they are losing their collective mind. If I were on this date, I would be losing my mind that Terry Crews, cast member on Brooklyn 99, is here to motivate me on the elliptical. Sydney takes advantage of her inhuman dancer's body to have Colton stretch her leg completely back. It's not gross at all that her body doesn't immediately break when in this position. Because it wouldn't be The Bachelor without some kind of competition, the ladies have to compete for the title of the Bachelor's Strongest Woman, which Onyeka wins.
You can tell that the following cocktail party is leading into some kind of disaster. Everything is going too well. No one has blindfolded Colton. The tension builds until Caitlin gets her one-on-one time and proceeds to mostly talk about how she's wanted one-on-one time this whole time. When he tries to ask her some standard date questions, it becomes abundantly clear that she is a cardboard cut out of a person. "I don't have anything to open up to you about, I've had a really good life," are words that literally left her mouth. She said what she's looking for in a man is someone to have a "fun, silly night with her friends." In my notes, I asked how it was possible that Elyse and Caitlin exist as the same species. I still have no idea. Maybe Colton was also thinking back to perfect human being Elyse when he interrupts Caitlin and tells her he doesn't have feelings for her. It is clear this has shaken Caitlin to her core. Maybe she's always been pretty enough for guys to forget she doesn't have a single brain cell. Colton walks her out and I wonder how the exit vehicle always knows exactly when to pull up.
Nicole gets the group date rose, even though ten minutes ago I wrote that Colton seemed super not into it. Weird.
In a classic Chris Harrison fake out, he comes to the mansion the next day to announce there will be no cocktail party - instead, there will be a pool party. Everyone is excited until this means a) that Colton will jump in the pool at least ten times, making their rafts capsize and drinks spill, and b) that Hannah B. and Caelynn get to go back and forth for two hours about who is really the manipulative bitch. Colton has literally no clue who to believe so he goes and sits in the diary room with the producers until its time to hand out some fake flowers.
The people who received roses are:
As this week begins, we have three feuding pairs to keep our eyes on. The pageant queens Caelynn and Hannah B., Sydney and Onyeka after the bullhorn debacle, and Tracy and Demi because I don't think either of them has a single gene in their body that isn't constantly Being Too Much. Sydney tells us she can't wait until the drama is over. We all scream at our televisions, knowing the drama is never over.
Chris Harrison comes to bring the first date card, and I think this is the first week they have all not bothered to get dolled up for this moment. Demi, who is wearing glasses and pajamas, is absolutely unrecognizable. The attendants of this date are Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and, much to Hannah's chagrin, Caelynn. This is the inevitable pageant self-implosion we've been waiting for, folks.
The girls are bused over to a pirate dinner show, where they will be competing to see who is the "best pirate." Weird flex, but okay. I didn't know hitting people with foam sticks while wearing a bedazzled eyepatch was a prerequisite for being a wife, but also I'm definitely not in the market to be Colton's wife specifically. When they arrive, Colton is standing completely still in pirate garb of his own, and for a split second you are tricked into thinking he is a normal hot person with a personality. Instead, we all know he is a robot designed to promote abstinence. Demi, who is back to her normal self after putting on fake eyelashes, monologues about how much she wants to eat him (or something equallt weird) while not blinking once. Spooky.
 |
| I was not lying about the bedazzled eye patch. |
Two pirates come out to referee the challenges. All is going smoothly until the Hannah B. and Caelynn showdown, where Caelynn essentially just steps down and lets her opponent win. Somehow, though, she is still picked as one of the "two best pirates" with Tracy, and wins the final challenge to untie Colton from the mast. They make a cute couple, kinda, and she has managed to make real human sentences, so that's why I'm rooting for her over Hannah B. Hannah, obviously, is not rooting for Caelynn, so takes a very noticeable swig from her wine glass when she wins.
The cocktail party for this date is in an antique shop, which they all ooo and aaa at as if this is not a feature of every single season of The Bachelor. Colton sits down to "make a toast," the only phrase that rivals "virginity" for most frequently said on this goddamn season of this goddamn show. The first half of this date is almost completely occupied by Demi shedding her outer skin and revealing herself to be a sex demon. Before she's even made eyes at Colton, she calls Tracy out for being the oldest woman on the date. "If I was the oldest woman here I don't even know what I would do!" she says. "And all of us are so beautiful, I don't know what I would do if I were you!" She throws her head back and releases a terrifying laugh towards the heavens. She spanks Colton with a paddle and gropes him with a detached mannequin hand to remind us, yes, she was released from a sex dungeon right before she was allowed on the show. She thinks of nothing else.
The rest of this date is dedicated to the extended saga of the dueling pageant queens. Caelynn is up first - you can tell Colton is really digging her, despite his inability to start any conversation with a question that isn't "did you have fun today?" Yeah, of course she did. She's contractually obligated to. Hannah B., however, is determined to ruin this because ... I dunno ... she wants to silently sit in a hot tub with him some more? Her motives are unclear. She starts whispering to Colton about how Caelynn is manipulative, as if she's not wearing a microphone and only her date can hear her. You can tell this is pulled out of nowhere because she can't give any specific adjectives or instances, only that she was generally kinda mean. She says Colton can't like her and Caelynn at the same time because they're so different, but when Colton repeats this back to her she's suddenly like "What? No! I never said that! I said this other vague and confusing thing!" I'm confused, Colton is confused, and Hannah B. is confused that Colton leaves without giving her a kiss, as if she didn't just defame someone's character.
As is always customary on this show, Colton immediately goes to get Caelynn's side of the story. She immediately bursts into tears, so I'm prone to believe her more than Hannah, whose face is stuck in a permanent pageant smile. Colton goes to give her the rose, and all the other girls have no clue what is going on. Hannah B. is deathly silent.
After the commercial break, it cuts back to the house, where a crying Caelynn is being consoled. Meanwhile, Hannah B. is sitting as far as physically possible with Heather, who appears to be her only friend. Another reason I believe Caelynn - she's upset about how Hannah B. will retaliate against for getting the group date rose, while Hannah B. is going on a tirade about how "it would suck if I went home before her." It definitely doesn't sound like you're only here to beat this one person, Hannah, not at all.
After all this drama, I feel like the episode should be over. Nope. We still have two dates to go. Elyse, who is the perfect human being, should be running for president, and who I would willingly give both my kidneys to, gets the one-on-one. They take a helicopter ride and spend the entire day running around an empty theme park with children. Not only is the allotted helicopter ride a coveted date, but Elyse probably had the first conversation with Colton this season not about his virginity. They talked about their passion for charity and Elyse shared the story of how her sister passed away to save the life of her baby. I think she has surpassed being a perfect human being - she must be a superhero. If it were up to me I'd pick Elyse, everyone else can go home.
 |
| Elyse, goddess of beauty and wisdom, with her devout follower Colton Underwood. |
Alas, however, not every date can just be Colton and Elyse. The second date card reads "every man needs a stronger woman," and everyone else is in attendance other than Hannah G. She looks pretty upset, especially since she's been a front runner until now, but that doesn't stop Caitlin from bragging about it as if everyone else is the room isn't also going.
For this date, they are transported to a gym that has a shirtless Colton out in front. You'd swear they've never seen a shirtless man before, because they are losing their collective mind. If I were on this date, I would be losing my mind that Terry Crews, cast member on Brooklyn 99, is here to motivate me on the elliptical. Sydney takes advantage of her inhuman dancer's body to have Colton stretch her leg completely back. It's not gross at all that her body doesn't immediately break when in this position. Because it wouldn't be The Bachelor without some kind of competition, the ladies have to compete for the title of the Bachelor's Strongest Woman, which Onyeka wins.
You can tell that the following cocktail party is leading into some kind of disaster. Everything is going too well. No one has blindfolded Colton. The tension builds until Caitlin gets her one-on-one time and proceeds to mostly talk about how she's wanted one-on-one time this whole time. When he tries to ask her some standard date questions, it becomes abundantly clear that she is a cardboard cut out of a person. "I don't have anything to open up to you about, I've had a really good life," are words that literally left her mouth. She said what she's looking for in a man is someone to have a "fun, silly night with her friends." In my notes, I asked how it was possible that Elyse and Caitlin exist as the same species. I still have no idea. Maybe Colton was also thinking back to perfect human being Elyse when he interrupts Caitlin and tells her he doesn't have feelings for her. It is clear this has shaken Caitlin to her core. Maybe she's always been pretty enough for guys to forget she doesn't have a single brain cell. Colton walks her out and I wonder how the exit vehicle always knows exactly when to pull up.
Nicole gets the group date rose, even though ten minutes ago I wrote that Colton seemed super not into it. Weird.
In a classic Chris Harrison fake out, he comes to the mansion the next day to announce there will be no cocktail party - instead, there will be a pool party. Everyone is excited until this means a) that Colton will jump in the pool at least ten times, making their rafts capsize and drinks spill, and b) that Hannah B. and Caelynn get to go back and forth for two hours about who is really the manipulative bitch. Colton has literally no clue who to believe so he goes and sits in the diary room with the producers until its time to hand out some fake flowers.
The people who received roses are:
- Caelynn - group date rose, Miss North Carolina
- Elyse - one-on-one rose, sweet cherub angel of my life
- Nicole - group date rose, Miami
- Hannah G. - no date this week, still gonna marry her
- Tayshia - said "strong women support women," so she can stay
- Katie - completely normal, unsure why she is on this show
- Cassie - ""quirky"" and ""awkward""
- Kirpa - teeth? Does she have any other traits?
- Sydney - stretchy leg
- Demi - evil sex demon
- Tracy - evil sex demon's arch nemesis
- Courtney - whomst?
- Heather - Hannah B.'s only friend, probably still hasn't been kissed
- Onyeka - still not over the bullhorn
- Hannah B. - y'all know my stance
This means we are saying goodbye to not just Croatia and Fake Australia, but Catherine of first night fame. Next week begins the travel dates, so we'll see you in Singapore.
Comments
Post a Comment