Rebaching Season 23 Episode 6
Guys, I think I jinxed it. Last week, if you recall, I said:
Hannah G. Cassie. How did we get here? Well ...
Since last week we were left with the dreaded "to be continued," we're right where we left off, with Colton sulking around the beach until Chris Harrison comes out to give him some mandatory words of advice. Our overdue rose ceremony begins, and a crying Nicole and noticeably pissed Onyeka are required to stand next to each other to make life easier for the camera guy. Surprise, surprise, Colton sends home the two women who were too preoccupied screaming at each other to let their mutual boyfriend get a word in edgewise. Instead of getting the customary champagne toast at the announcement of their new location, we see a forlorn Colton wondering who is truly here for the right reasons.
The women and Colton hop on over to Vietnam and we get a tour of yet another tropical themed Southeast Asian resort. Almost immediately the first date card arrives, announcing that Hannah G. will be going on this week's first one-on-one. What ensues is almost an exact replica of the date we saw Cassie and Colton on just last episode. Is she blonde? Yes. Are they making out while half submerged in some kind of liquid? Yes. Do they make more than the absolute bare minimum small talk? No. Anyway, absolutely no one is surprised when he gives her the rose, except, apparently, Caelynn. She's not wrong when she says Hannah G. has yet to demonstrate a personality, but also, like honestly, has anyone else?
The rest of the girls anxiously await the group date, since it will also reveal who is going on the coveted second one-on-one. The names are read off and everyone is attending except Kirpa. Sydney is pissed. Demi is pissed. Everyone is pissed, forgetting the fundamental principle that there is a limited number of single dates for the exact reason of making everyone angry.
The date activity is learning some kind of Vietnamese fighting technique, which really caters towards the fact that Hannah B. has a terrifying level of skill in kick boxing. I'm honestly sick of all these dates that encourage people to beat the shit out of each other. The last thing I'm looking for in a romantic partner is someone who is going to knock the lights out of my eight other girlfriends. They showdown in pairs, and when Katie and Demi go head-to-head the latter girl just kind of curls up and prays for the ground to swallow her whole. It wasn't necessarily an intended strategy, but it succeeds in the sense that it makes Colton feel bad for her.
Once again, the cocktail party is dominated by everyone's sudden desire to throw Colton for a loop. Rather than getting a glimpse of all the normal conversations everyone is having, Demi puts Embezzlement Mom on speaker to meet Colton and Sydney has to pull him aside two different times to tell him that it upsets her that he's picking the blonde models over her, a not-blonde model. She makes the decision to eliminate herself right then and there, leaving him with only the cryptic message "some of these women aren't ready for marriage." What on earth could it mean?! Colton has no clue. Tayshia gets the group date rose.
Kirpa's one-on-one date is exactly like Kirpa - standard, normal, no nonsense. I believe if they could, the producers would give this date absolutely no screen time. They go hunting for sea urchins. Kirpa makes intelligent thoughts. She opens up when instructed about her previous engagement, and Colton's like, "lit, great, we both wanna get engaged." She gets the rose. At this point, I'm just rooting for Kirpa to extricate herself from this mess of a franchise. She's too good for us.
Rather than getting this week's final cocktail party, the rest of the episode is dedicated to the downfall of Demi. Since the rules don't apply to her, Demi sneaks out and heads over to Colton's room after he returns from Kirpa's date. The producers have made it a big deal that she's vying for Colton's virginity, when all that really happens is she tells him she's falling in love and he says he can't reciprocate those feelings. She leaves to return to the open arms of Embezzlement Mom, finally out of prison. Doesn't Colton know that I was holding out for her hometown?
Colton decides to cut to the rose ceremony, probably since he took my words to close to heart. Brutal. Hannah G., Tayshia, and Kirpa all have roses, so those remaining go to:
"There are too many floaters left. Just crank out some rose ceremonies, I know for a fact after this episode that Onyeka isn't wife material."Colton, somewhere, was listening and sent five women home this week. We're down to seven, the week after next will be hometowns, and before you know it, the Bachelor himself will be getting down on one knee to propose to
Since last week we were left with the dreaded "to be continued," we're right where we left off, with Colton sulking around the beach until Chris Harrison comes out to give him some mandatory words of advice. Our overdue rose ceremony begins, and a crying Nicole and noticeably pissed Onyeka are required to stand next to each other to make life easier for the camera guy. Surprise, surprise, Colton sends home the two women who were too preoccupied screaming at each other to let their mutual boyfriend get a word in edgewise. Instead of getting the customary champagne toast at the announcement of their new location, we see a forlorn Colton wondering who is truly here for the right reasons.
The women and Colton hop on over to Vietnam and we get a tour of yet another tropical themed Southeast Asian resort. Almost immediately the first date card arrives, announcing that Hannah G. will be going on this week's first one-on-one. What ensues is almost an exact replica of the date we saw Cassie and Colton on just last episode. Is she blonde? Yes. Are they making out while half submerged in some kind of liquid? Yes. Do they make more than the absolute bare minimum small talk? No. Anyway, absolutely no one is surprised when he gives her the rose, except, apparently, Caelynn. She's not wrong when she says Hannah G. has yet to demonstrate a personality, but also, like honestly, has anyone else?
The rest of the girls anxiously await the group date, since it will also reveal who is going on the coveted second one-on-one. The names are read off and everyone is attending except Kirpa. Sydney is pissed. Demi is pissed. Everyone is pissed, forgetting the fundamental principle that there is a limited number of single dates for the exact reason of making everyone angry.
The date activity is learning some kind of Vietnamese fighting technique, which really caters towards the fact that Hannah B. has a terrifying level of skill in kick boxing. I'm honestly sick of all these dates that encourage people to beat the shit out of each other. The last thing I'm looking for in a romantic partner is someone who is going to knock the lights out of my eight other girlfriends. They showdown in pairs, and when Katie and Demi go head-to-head the latter girl just kind of curls up and prays for the ground to swallow her whole. It wasn't necessarily an intended strategy, but it succeeds in the sense that it makes Colton feel bad for her.
Once again, the cocktail party is dominated by everyone's sudden desire to throw Colton for a loop. Rather than getting a glimpse of all the normal conversations everyone is having, Demi puts Embezzlement Mom on speaker to meet Colton and Sydney has to pull him aside two different times to tell him that it upsets her that he's picking the blonde models over her, a not-blonde model. She makes the decision to eliminate herself right then and there, leaving him with only the cryptic message "some of these women aren't ready for marriage." What on earth could it mean?! Colton has no clue. Tayshia gets the group date rose.
Kirpa's one-on-one date is exactly like Kirpa - standard, normal, no nonsense. I believe if they could, the producers would give this date absolutely no screen time. They go hunting for sea urchins. Kirpa makes intelligent thoughts. She opens up when instructed about her previous engagement, and Colton's like, "lit, great, we both wanna get engaged." She gets the rose. At this point, I'm just rooting for Kirpa to extricate herself from this mess of a franchise. She's too good for us.
Rather than getting this week's final cocktail party, the rest of the episode is dedicated to the downfall of Demi. Since the rules don't apply to her, Demi sneaks out and heads over to Colton's room after he returns from Kirpa's date. The producers have made it a big deal that she's vying for Colton's virginity, when all that really happens is she tells him she's falling in love and he says he can't reciprocate those feelings. She leaves to return to the open arms of Embezzlement Mom, finally out of prison. Doesn't Colton know that I was holding out for her hometown?
Colton decides to cut to the rose ceremony, probably since he took my words to close to heart. Brutal. Hannah G., Tayshia, and Kirpa all have roses, so those remaining go to:
- Hannah B. - can kill you and would probably smile through it
- Caelynn - the No Personality Police
- Cassie - winner winner chicken dinner
- Heather - Has Been Kissed
This means that our final victim of the night is Katie, a particularly savage move considering her time last week got interrupted by the Nicole/Onyeka fiasco. Next week is fence-jumping week, so stay tuned.
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