Rebaching Season 23 Episode 8
I would like to request a moment of silence for what this episode could have been if Demi and Embezzlement Mom were still around. I hope you're having a great time in Texas, you will be missed.
Instead, this week we were treated to a repeat of every single Hometown week in Bachelor history. They have it down to a formula - an activity that can serve as a metaphor for their relationship, sitting at a dinner table without eating, four identical cousins, quick chats with Cute Mom and Hardass Dad, and sitting on a bench in the dark saying you're falling in love.
Up first is Caelynn, who is from Virginia. They travel around her hometown in a horse and carriage, which is probably a metaphor for 'taking it slow' or 'keeping it traditional,' I dunno. They then head over to meet her whole extended family, and suddenly I'm crying. Her stepfather raised her and Caelynn never had a relationship with her birth father. He cares about her so much. I think he's the most genuine person they've ever had on this franchise. As soon as he said, "I can never pay her back for how much she has taught me about myself," the waterworks were happening and I stopped paying attention to anything Colton was saying. He's just throwing out some buzzwords like "falling in love" and "if my feelings get there" and "propose." John gives Colton his permission to propose because he's a great father who supports Caelynn to make her own decisions. When they get to the inevitable bench portion of the date, Caelynn tells Colton she is "fully in love" with him. He kisses her and drives away in a dark car. Romantic.
Up next is Hannah G. in Birmingham, Alabama. Colton is forced to sit through lessons on how to be a Southern gentleman, a metaphor for the fact that this show is stupid and outdated. The only standout moments are that you're allegedly supposed to eat bread one pinch at a time. This is enough to break Colton, and, frankly, me too. Hannah G's family is exactly as expected. Her dad is a Southern gentleman himself (does he eat bread like a maniac too?) and her mom looks like Hannah G. except with glasses. He gets Dad's permission, and as Hannah tearfully reunites with her mother she says, "she left here a mama's girl, and left a woman in love." I don't know about you, but that sounds ... like not a strong foundation for a marriage. Surprise, surprise, she is also falling in love with Colton on a bench.
Next up is Tayshia, one of two Californians, who wastes no time in blindfolding Colton and almost killing him in a minor car accident. She drives him to a field where a sky diving plane is waiting. Tayshia has finally gotten her revenge on Colton for forcing her to go to bungee jumping. This is a metaphor for taking risks or something. Being prepared to die together. Usually I feel like these dates are staged, but Colton is literally hyperventilating on the plane ride. Thankfully, they all make it to the ground safely. Actually, dying mid-air might have been preferable for Colton, seeing as how much her dad doesn't like him. He's a tough nut to crack, and by that I mean he has all of the normal human hesitations about his daughter marrying someone she met a month ago. In the end, he gives his blessing because he too understands that his daughter is a grown ass woman capable of making her own decisions.
The last Hometown date is with Cassie, who takes Colton surfing. I don't know if he was being bad on purpose or if Colton has too much muscle to ever balance gracefully. It's a metaphor for how much of a hot mess they both are. He asks Cassie if she's falling in love with him, and she says, "notwith those surfing skills until you meet my family." He says yeah, okay, sounds good, and then essentially gets bullied by all of them even though he is definitely not the problem in this relationship. I mean, other than the fact that he's dating three other women, he's doing everything right. It's Cassie who has revealed herself to be a true flaky bitch. Cassie and her dad argue about whether or not she's ready for marriage, as if everyone else on this show hasn't told Cassie she isn't ready for marriage. Her dad doesn't give his blessing. Cassie doesn't tell Colton she's falling in love with him on a bench. It's a certified disaster.
The rose ceremony rolls around and Chris Harrison makes it awkward by escorting each woman five feet to where she's supposed to stand. The roses go to:
Instead, this week we were treated to a repeat of every single Hometown week in Bachelor history. They have it down to a formula - an activity that can serve as a metaphor for their relationship, sitting at a dinner table without eating, four identical cousins, quick chats with Cute Mom and Hardass Dad, and sitting on a bench in the dark saying you're falling in love.
Up first is Caelynn, who is from Virginia. They travel around her hometown in a horse and carriage, which is probably a metaphor for 'taking it slow' or 'keeping it traditional,' I dunno. They then head over to meet her whole extended family, and suddenly I'm crying. Her stepfather raised her and Caelynn never had a relationship with her birth father. He cares about her so much. I think he's the most genuine person they've ever had on this franchise. As soon as he said, "I can never pay her back for how much she has taught me about myself," the waterworks were happening and I stopped paying attention to anything Colton was saying. He's just throwing out some buzzwords like "falling in love" and "if my feelings get there" and "propose." John gives Colton his permission to propose because he's a great father who supports Caelynn to make her own decisions. When they get to the inevitable bench portion of the date, Caelynn tells Colton she is "fully in love" with him. He kisses her and drives away in a dark car. Romantic.
Up next is Hannah G. in Birmingham, Alabama. Colton is forced to sit through lessons on how to be a Southern gentleman, a metaphor for the fact that this show is stupid and outdated. The only standout moments are that you're allegedly supposed to eat bread one pinch at a time. This is enough to break Colton, and, frankly, me too. Hannah G's family is exactly as expected. Her dad is a Southern gentleman himself (does he eat bread like a maniac too?) and her mom looks like Hannah G. except with glasses. He gets Dad's permission, and as Hannah tearfully reunites with her mother she says, "she left here a mama's girl, and left a woman in love." I don't know about you, but that sounds ... like not a strong foundation for a marriage. Surprise, surprise, she is also falling in love with Colton on a bench.
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| Both hands on the wheel there, Tayshia. |
Next up is Tayshia, one of two Californians, who wastes no time in blindfolding Colton and almost killing him in a minor car accident. She drives him to a field where a sky diving plane is waiting. Tayshia has finally gotten her revenge on Colton for forcing her to go to bungee jumping. This is a metaphor for taking risks or something. Being prepared to die together. Usually I feel like these dates are staged, but Colton is literally hyperventilating on the plane ride. Thankfully, they all make it to the ground safely. Actually, dying mid-air might have been preferable for Colton, seeing as how much her dad doesn't like him. He's a tough nut to crack, and by that I mean he has all of the normal human hesitations about his daughter marrying someone she met a month ago. In the end, he gives his blessing because he too understands that his daughter is a grown ass woman capable of making her own decisions.
The last Hometown date is with Cassie, who takes Colton surfing. I don't know if he was being bad on purpose or if Colton has too much muscle to ever balance gracefully. It's a metaphor for how much of a hot mess they both are. He asks Cassie if she's falling in love with him, and she says, "not
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| This episode has a very strong emphasis on benches. |
The rose ceremony rolls around and Chris Harrison makes it awkward by escorting each woman five feet to where she's supposed to stand. The roses go to:
- Hannah - Southern bae
- Tayshia - Divorced bae
- Cassie - Not ready for marriage bae
This means Caelynn, the first to break the "I'm in love with you" seal, is going home. Colton doesn't even bother to give an explication, knowing full well this has secured her the position of the next Bachelorette. Maybe next week will finally be the end of the virginity debacle and the much anticipated fence jump. We can only hope.
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