Rebaching Season 23 Episode 9
Is this what Icarus felt like when he flew too close to the sun? I waited all season for this fence jump, only to find out that the reason he jumped the fence made me sad. We had a hell of a week this week, folks, and this rebach is probably going to turn into me waxing philosophical about the nature of The Bachelor franchise and relationships in general.
We begin where we left off, at the end of last rose ceremony. Colton goes outside to have a chummy chat with Chris Harrison about sex (once again), while the women inside immediately assume something is wrong. Don't worry, ladies, hell will break loose soon enough. When he comes back inside, Colton announces that they will be jet-setting off to Algarve, Portugal. How do I remember exactly where they are in Portugal? Well, because Colton brings up almost as frequently as he brings up how great he's going to be at "love making."
The first overnight date of the week goes to Tayshia, who is, in contrast to everyone else, a functioning human being. They jump into a helicopter and head off to a lighthouse balancing precariously on a cliff. She thinks its romantic, I probably would have spent the whole time wondering if a gust of wind would send me careening over the edge. This date is mostly Tayshia making aggressively sexual innuendos while Colton is evidently not super into it. Why can't she tell that he's not into it? The rest of America can tell that he's not into it. He invites her to the Fantasy Suite regardless, but in the morning Tayshia informs the camera that they didn't have the "physical intimacy" that they wanted. She tries to spin it into something she actually did want, which, kudos, I guess. It is at this point that I wonder what Tayshia's dad is thinking.
Thus begins #CassieGate2019, since she was given the second date of the week. They really skimped out on the planning this week, since Cassie also receives the "explore Algarve, Portugal" themed date. They eat. They shop. Colton dances really poorly. They make out in a sketchy alleyway with their camera crew watching. All is going to plan until Colton brings up that he didn't receive her father's blessing. "No biggie," he says, to which Cassie responds "huge biggie." She is shaken to her core that her family didn't approve of Colton after knowing him for thirty minutes. Colton is adamant that how they feel about each other is more important, which, is true, but Cassie is still incredibly upset. Conveniently, her dad shows up in Algarve, Portugal immediately after Colton and Cassie had the chance to talk about it.
"Do you want to get engaged after six weeks to someone you have to spend the rest of your life with? Huh?" her dad asks, effectively just repeating the exact concept of the show Cassie signed up to be on. Look, I understand where he's coming from and this is incredibly logical, but also, this is fundamentally what the show is based on. You can't pretend like you didn't know this would happen, like Cassie is. I am also in my early twenties and not ready for marriage, but I didn't willingly sign up for and participate in a show about becoming married.
Cassie is crying, her dad is crying, and after talking it over Cassie decides that while she's into Colton, she's not, like, that into Colton. She goes into the second portion of their date ready to break up, while Colton goes into it completely 100% ready to lose his virginity. He says so. Multiple times. Since he's in love and she's the one and ... oh no, this is going to be a disaster.
At this point I pause, do my laundry, clean my room, wash some dishes, all because I think I can see the disaster that is about to ensue and am desperately trying to avoid it. I was wrong, actually. It was a lot worse.
Cassie and Colton sit down to not eat a meal and both agree that "today was perfect." The "but..." lingers in the air. Cassie finally rips off the band-aid by saying she's confused and that she thought she should have "those" feelings by now, which is a recurrent theme throughout the rest of their conversation. She gets up, walks away, comes back. She's still confused.
Let me be clear, I in no way think Cassie is in the wrong here. She's 23 and wants her Instagram empire just like the rest of us. She also seems to genuinely have some kind of feelings for Colton, but, at this point, its just salt in the wound. Colton is not in the wrong either, really, which makes me Cassie-level confused since I want someone to be mad at and ... don't.
Colton, to his credit, has kind of won my respect. Even though he's on a show about getting married, he uses all the power in his hands to say that it doesn't have to end in an engagement. He point blank tells Cassie that he's in love with her and wants her at the end of this, whether or not there's a ring involved. Also, has no one told anyone on this show that getting engaged is not the same thing as getting married? It's still a big deal, but less of a big deal than Chris Harrison wedding them right then and there. Colton tells Cassie that every time he's on another date, he's thinking about her, which is pretty much unheard of for this franchise.
At some point, when it becomes clear that Cassie just doesn't have that shared level of passion, Colton starts shaking. They keep kissing and holding each other, which is confusing. Cassie, the man is in shambles. Either break up or don't, don't keep rubbing his arm.
Ultimately, Cassie comes to the decision that she can't stay when she doesn't know. Colton walks her out, and it's very clear that he's waiting for that moment of "wait, I changed my mind." In that case, they would just need to end the show, I guess. It's not like he's going to sleep with Hannah G. However, Cassie vanishes into the night and gets into the customary van, weeping up a storm.
It is at this point that we get the footage we have been promised for months. Colton goes into room. Shuts door. Comes out minutes later, wacks camera. Runs away. Jumps fence. Disappears into the wilderness of Algarve, Portugal, leaving Chris Harrison and a team of producers running around in the dark. Naturally, we are left with a "to be continued."
I have three theories about what will happen next:
We begin where we left off, at the end of last rose ceremony. Colton goes outside to have a chummy chat with Chris Harrison about sex (once again), while the women inside immediately assume something is wrong. Don't worry, ladies, hell will break loose soon enough. When he comes back inside, Colton announces that they will be jet-setting off to Algarve, Portugal. How do I remember exactly where they are in Portugal? Well, because Colton brings up almost as frequently as he brings up how great he's going to be at "love making."
The first overnight date of the week goes to Tayshia, who is, in contrast to everyone else, a functioning human being. They jump into a helicopter and head off to a lighthouse balancing precariously on a cliff. She thinks its romantic, I probably would have spent the whole time wondering if a gust of wind would send me careening over the edge. This date is mostly Tayshia making aggressively sexual innuendos while Colton is evidently not super into it. Why can't she tell that he's not into it? The rest of America can tell that he's not into it. He invites her to the Fantasy Suite regardless, but in the morning Tayshia informs the camera that they didn't have the "physical intimacy" that they wanted. She tries to spin it into something she actually did want, which, kudos, I guess. It is at this point that I wonder what Tayshia's dad is thinking.
Thus begins #CassieGate2019, since she was given the second date of the week. They really skimped out on the planning this week, since Cassie also receives the "explore Algarve, Portugal" themed date. They eat. They shop. Colton dances really poorly. They make out in a sketchy alleyway with their camera crew watching. All is going to plan until Colton brings up that he didn't receive her father's blessing. "No biggie," he says, to which Cassie responds "huge biggie." She is shaken to her core that her family didn't approve of Colton after knowing him for thirty minutes. Colton is adamant that how they feel about each other is more important, which, is true, but Cassie is still incredibly upset. Conveniently, her dad shows up in Algarve, Portugal immediately after Colton and Cassie had the chance to talk about it.
"Do you want to get engaged after six weeks to someone you have to spend the rest of your life with? Huh?" her dad asks, effectively just repeating the exact concept of the show Cassie signed up to be on. Look, I understand where he's coming from and this is incredibly logical, but also, this is fundamentally what the show is based on. You can't pretend like you didn't know this would happen, like Cassie is. I am also in my early twenties and not ready for marriage, but I didn't willingly sign up for and participate in a show about becoming married.
Cassie is crying, her dad is crying, and after talking it over Cassie decides that while she's into Colton, she's not, like, that into Colton. She goes into the second portion of their date ready to break up, while Colton goes into it completely 100% ready to lose his virginity. He says so. Multiple times. Since he's in love and she's the one and ... oh no, this is going to be a disaster.
At this point I pause, do my laundry, clean my room, wash some dishes, all because I think I can see the disaster that is about to ensue and am desperately trying to avoid it. I was wrong, actually. It was a lot worse.
Cassie and Colton sit down to not eat a meal and both agree that "today was perfect." The "but..." lingers in the air. Cassie finally rips off the band-aid by saying she's confused and that she thought she should have "those" feelings by now, which is a recurrent theme throughout the rest of their conversation. She gets up, walks away, comes back. She's still confused.
 |
| Cassie, wearing chain mail for some reason, coming to the conclusion that being sad over a boy just ain't it right now. |
Let me be clear, I in no way think Cassie is in the wrong here. She's 23 and wants her Instagram empire just like the rest of us. She also seems to genuinely have some kind of feelings for Colton, but, at this point, its just salt in the wound. Colton is not in the wrong either, really, which makes me Cassie-level confused since I want someone to be mad at and ... don't.
Colton, to his credit, has kind of won my respect. Even though he's on a show about getting married, he uses all the power in his hands to say that it doesn't have to end in an engagement. He point blank tells Cassie that he's in love with her and wants her at the end of this, whether or not there's a ring involved. Also, has no one told anyone on this show that getting engaged is not the same thing as getting married? It's still a big deal, but less of a big deal than Chris Harrison wedding them right then and there. Colton tells Cassie that every time he's on another date, he's thinking about her, which is pretty much unheard of for this franchise.
At some point, when it becomes clear that Cassie just doesn't have that shared level of passion, Colton starts shaking. They keep kissing and holding each other, which is confusing. Cassie, the man is in shambles. Either break up or don't, don't keep rubbing his arm.
Ultimately, Cassie comes to the decision that she can't stay when she doesn't know. Colton walks her out, and it's very clear that he's waiting for that moment of "wait, I changed my mind." In that case, they would just need to end the show, I guess. It's not like he's going to sleep with Hannah G. However, Cassie vanishes into the night and gets into the customary van, weeping up a storm.
 |
| Well ... there he goes. |
It is at this point that we get the footage we have been promised for months. Colton goes into room. Shuts door. Comes out minutes later, wacks camera. Runs away. Jumps fence. Disappears into the wilderness of Algarve, Portugal, leaving Chris Harrison and a team of producers running around in the dark. Naturally, we are left with a "to be continued."
I have three theories about what will happen next:
- Cassie is shuttled back to Colton the next day, inevitably having rethought her decision. They kiss and make up. Hopefully, for the sake of Cassie's emotional health, they don't end up engaged, but happily dating. Everyone gets to keep their Instagram fame.
- Colton spends a lot of time walking around the streets of Portugal before realizing he was in love with Hannah G. all along. Or Tayshia. Whatever. Someone who isn't Cassie, therefore allowing the show to end up in an actual engagement.
- Colton was actually killed by those dogs we heard at the end of last episode. A decoy has been doing all of his publicity stunts. Chris Harrison has been tweeting for him as to not give up the ruse.
Place your bets now, folks. Either way, this show will inevitably continue on, fooling people into thinking six weeks is enough time to convince a 23 year old woman that she should get married.
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