Rebaching Season 15 Episode 1

The Bachelor's most mediocre blogger is back and she has heard her own name uttered enough times to disassociate. Alabama Hannah, our new Bachelorette, may share my moniker but we have approximately ... two other things in common. Those include not wanting men to tell us what to do and crying at the smallest possible inconvenience.

The season premiere begins exactly where we left off, with Hannah getting the fateful face time from Chris Harrison telling her she has been chosen as the new Bachelorette. This time, however, we get to see the footage from a camera man standing a foot away instead of through an iPhone screen, which, while better quality, just proves that it wasn't actually the big reveal. She's not a great actress - what does she keep doing with her arm? - but I'm guessing she will use that to her advantage this season as she plays up the fact that she's "just a real person." What were the other leading ladies? Robots? Holograms?

We get some footage of Hannah being aggressively Southern. Whenever they place her along a local her accent ascends to its final form. The enthusiasm with which she shouts "Roll Tide!" is endearing right now, but by Episode 3 I have a hunch that I will want to cut the gimmicks and get into the cat fighting.

Demi and Katie from last season are there, which is honestly a refreshing change from a slew of other Bachelorette's telling the current victim contestant that it's possible to find love on a show where your every waking thought is televised. Hair curled, sparkles on, Hannah is ready to inevitably choose a husband out of whoever the producers rounded up for this season. Speaking of which, the first eligible men we're introduced to are:

• Tyler C: a contractor with a passion for dance. No joke. Within thirty seconds of pretending like he is working on renovating a house, he is stripping off his shirt and sashay-ing around a la Kevin Bacon. He also likes dogs and boats, which seems like an afterthought after, you know, the weirdest possible introductory montage.
• Pilot Peter: he loves planes, his whole family loves planes, his one and only interest is in planes. He phrases it as 'spontaneous and ready for adventure,' I phrase it as 'our only dates will involve some sort of plane.'
• Mike: an Air Force veteran who, amazingly, has other elements of his personality he wants to share with us. Like, that he has a great-grandmother. And a job. He seems like a normal person, but one can never get one's hopes up too high. 
• Joe: The Grocery Store Joe knock-off who saw his chance and took it. He's also Italian, from Chicago, and has some sort of niche business. He, however, is not hot. Boxes are not the new grocery stores.
• Matt Donald: a farmer with a heart of gold. He's hardworking! He knows American Sign Language! A family man! What's not to love! 
• Connor J: a big time car salesman with a baby face. He's cute, he speaks French, and he grew up in a mixed race family of immigrants, which means he probably will not be the winner of the franchise but maybe I can steal him. 
• Luke P: he's a Chad if I've ever seen one. "I'm so attractive and I used to use that to my advantage!" Mhmm, sounds like something a narcissist would say. "My brother and sister-in-law met and married each other in less than a year!" Sounds suss, but okay.

I'll just leave this screenshot of Luke vlogging with an actual infant right here.

Usually the ultimate winner of the show is featured in these early bios, so for Hannah's sake I can hope that it's Pilot Peter rather than Dancing Contractor or Mr. Full of Himself. 

With that, the introductions can begin. The first man out of the limo is usually important, and this year it's Garrett. Please let this be a red herring, because I don't think I can stand a second season in a row where the Bachelorette chooses a man with such an aggressive frat boy name. The first few people out of the limo have pretty standard introductions without the antics we have learned to expect. The first one to pull some kind of hi-jinks is Connor S., who we met on After the Final Rose. In an ode to last season, he scales the mansion's fence without breaking a sweat (probably because it seems like he is eight feet tall). The Box King of Chicago hops out of a package. Old Matt Donald not only rides in on a tractor, but sings a rousing rendition of the customary children's song. 

It is here where we see the producers starting to get devious. Chasen - a grown ass man with that stupid as hell name - comes out and introduces himself as a pilot. You know what the producers do? Let Pilot Pete come out immediately after him in full pilot regalia. Here is an exclusive image of both of them arriving at the mansion:

But you can't be the token pilot! I'm the token pilot!

With everyone introduced, Hannah can make a toast (slightly better than last time) and be immediately shuffled away by Luke P. His time with Hannah is spent telling her that he knew she was his wife when she first saw her on Colton's season. Weird. And creepy. But who cares right? He has a chiseled jawline and that's all we're looking for. Oh, and that you don't have a secret girlfriend.

Other highlights include Baby Face Connor, who plays Bachelorette party games with her, and Cam, who got the first rose on After the Final Rose and has proceeded to take this as an indication of Hannah's passionate love for him. It's intense.

While all this is unfolding in the mansion, Demi and Katie are staked out in the driveway in an unmarked van, making sure everything is going great. And, apparently, trying to figure out which man has a girlfriend back home, a fact she was alerted to earlier that day on Twitter. Apparently the only possible way to find out is to not say "hey, is anyone here named Scott?" and instead wait for him to snag Hannah for some one-on-one time. Demi is lived that he wants her to plan a dream house with him instead of shooting himself in the foot. Chris Harrison is alerted, Hannah is alerted, and she comes to find him with fire in her eyes. To complicate things, Chris has already brought out the First Impression Rose and everyone is confused.

It was in this moment, Scott knew he fucked up.

Maybe if the Bachelorette herself is staring you dead in the eyes waiting for your justification, it isn't the best idea to keep changing your story, Scott. He keeps changing his mind about whether or not he and his side (front?) piece were together on Monday, and whether or not she was actually his girlfriend. Hannah isn't having it. She escorts him out with Scott trailing behind her like a sore loser, so much so that she has to keep shouting "come on! Keep up!" in front of everyone. Humiliating, but what did you expect on a show where the premise relies on the fact that you're single?

Everyone else is mildly upset that the Scott situation took up so much of their night, especially since Hannah wants to take a hot second to compose herself. All the men respect this except for Luke, who very unhelpfully sits outside with her and rubs her arm. She has said she's cold no less than three times jackass, maybe give her your jacket. Or have you never committed to a romantic and selfless gesture in your life? If you can't tell, I don't like Luke. Which is too bad, since after this interaction she decides to gift him the coveted First Impression Rose and ensure that he has a cocky attitude until he (hopefully inevitably) gets eliminated.

With that, we enter the first Rose Ceremony of the season. The men who received roses are:

• Mike: has a great-grandmother
• Connor S: fence jumper, After the Final Rose
• Matthew: I have never seen him before, but he's taking some risks in that striped suit
• Connor J: baby-faced Bachelorette party
• Jed: sexy music man, Hannah likes
• Dustin: nose ring, After the Final Rose
• Joey: looks like Jordan Rodgers, I'm having deja vu
• Devin: no opinion
• Peter: the better of the two pilots
• Dylan: wearing a white suit jacket like he's about to go to a themed prom
• Matteo: huge smile, want to pronounce his name Matt-ee-o but it's not
• Jonathan: he was so worried that he wasn't going to get a rose that they gave him a voice over
• Tyler C: dancing contractor
• Tyler G: I know the presence of a Tyler C suggests there is more than one Tyler, but I have never seen this man before in my life
• Daron: have a stupid name, win stupid prizes
• Luke S: After the Final Rose
• Garrett: first out of the limo
• Grant: came in eating a hot dog, my kind of man
• Kevin: whomst
• John Paul Jones: bad hair, sounds like he should be a 16th century pope

This means (mostly by my powers of deduction) that the men leaving us are:

• Ryan: no opinion, not even sure I remember him leaving
• Brian: math teacher
• Chasen: worse pilot
• Hunter: no opinion
• Joe: not the new Grocery Store Joe
• Matt Donald: definitely the new Grocery Store Joe
• Thomas: no opinion

If the previews are any indication, we will be in for a treat this season, between several possible villains, rampant sexism, and a trip to Amsterdam. Will Hannah find love? This Hannah is waiting to find out.