Rebaching Season 15 Episode 2
The words "Roll Tide" were not uttered this episode, but I'm starting to wonder at what cost. Other frequent phrases the men have taken to using are "this is my future wife" and "I'm starting to fall in love with you," both with the utmost sincerity. Hannah has reminded us that she "is lucky to have such a great group of guys" so many times that I think she might be trying to convince herself of this as we go along. This week gave us two group dates and one one-on-one, as well as an injury, a potential stalker, and an ill-timed back massage.
The episode opens on the remaining men drinking mimosas, all attempting to drown out the nonsensical ramblings of Luke P and Cam. Yes, they may have just met Hannah, but yes, they have already named their future children. The first date card arrives, informing Grant, Luke S, Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan, and Luke P that Hannah is "looking for her Mr. Right." The qualities of this Mr. Right? Being able to pageant walk in a speedo and learn a superficial talent in as little time as possible. That's right, Hannah has turned the tables of her pageant lifestyle and now every man subjected to this date has to cut loose and lose the clothes. There to help in the judging are drag queens Alyssa and Alaska, as well as Miss J of America's Next Top Model fame. One by one, thevictims date card recipients are expected to throw off their robe and strut their stuff. Reactions to this form of torture vary from "please kill me now I would rather be anywhere but here" to John Paul Jones' embarassing level of body confidence. It's clear by the end of this round that the front runners are Jed, who is shy about being absolutely ripped, and Luke P, who is exactly as ripped as you would expect from someone who filmed their introduction video at the gym.
As we move into the talent portion of the competition, one can only wonder how these talents are at all applicable to choosing a future husband. Yeah, Jonathan can juggle, but will he remember to brush snow off the cars before shoveling the driveway? Mike can walk in heels, but will he remember to bring bandaids when mine inevitably give me blisters? It doesn't matter, because all of these talents are trumped first by Jed's original song, and then by Luke P's premature declaration of love. Still blinded by a glimpse of his meaty calves, Hannah glosses over the fact that this is incredibly creepy and declares him the winner.
Perhaps because she is not an absolute dumbass, when Luke pulls her aside she questions whether or not he can truly mean what he says when they've known each other for, oh, less than twenty four hours. Luke, ever the master manipulator, distracts her with his romantic ramblings and chiseled jawline, convincing her, at least for the time being, that it's love at first sight. Girl.
Mike, debatedly even less of a dumbass than Hannah in this moment, calls Luke out on the sheer insanity of it all only for Luke to unleash his inner Bachelor franchise villain with the magic words - "If I see something I want, then I go and get it." Have you ever watched the show, Luke? How well did that go for Olivia? Or Chad? In the end, this argument gets pushed aside for another week when the world's sweetest cowboy, Jed, gets the rose for being hot, Southern, and not aggressively homophobic.
The one-on-one this week goes to Tyler G, who looks so similar to this other guy named Kevin that they could have swapped places any time on this date and I wouldn't have noticed. Hannah shows up in three different white articles of clothing, a look so bold that you would expect the post-date concert to feature Jesse McCartney. Instead, however, this was a conscious choice by her stylist to emphasize that she's not afraid to get down and dirty; the two get in a helicopter to go dirt biking, her right boob getting covered in mud in the process. Suspicious. Since Hannah was the first one-on-one of her season, they spend a lot of time talking about nerves and realizing what you want and all-and-all acting like normal people in the wake of the Luke P fiasco. They get dinner, he gets a rose, securing his spot as the Kevin doppelganger for yet another week.
The third date card is what unleashes Cam from the pits of hell. When Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J, Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C, Joey, Pilot Peter, and Garrett get the ominous message "let's get our love on track," Cam takes it as a personal attack. Already a little unhinged, the idea that Hannah might not already see herself as his future wife is enough to send him over the edge. More on that later.
In the meantime, Hannah takes the world's least coordinated men to a roller derby. The only thing to ease the pain of completely wiping out on the track is the sight of our Bachelorette herself, wearing the world's tiniest leather shorts. As is customary, the men are divided into two teams to compete, ending in a green team victory and an injury. Since the Krystal incident, they don't really send loser home anymore, which means everyone heads on over to the cocktail party. The stand outs are Dustin, who has a weirdly placed nose ring and, now, a broken ankle, and Pilot Peter, furthering my hunch that he's the ultimate winner once Luke P's reign of terror ends. Oh, and, of course, Cam, who despite being as uninvited as possible took this as a sign that he should definitely show up unannounced. He gives a very confused Hannah a bouquet, convinced that he has secured himself the group date rose now, and leaves. Not one, not two, but three people accost him outside to wonder what his deal is, to which he responds "anyone could have done what I did! Always be Cam! You don't have to ask permission!" Really, Cam? Because I think the camera men would indicate that the producers very much gave you their blessing.
Dustin, in exchange for his broken limb and broken pride, gets the rose so we can all go home.
Going into the rose ceremony, Hannah is crying. Up until this point we have been led to believe that this is through someone's malicious actions (hehm, Cam) but instead she's just overwhelmed by how "lucky" she feels. Girl, statistically there's a chance you will end up with a stalker. Please. You can do better.
Connor S, one of the other After the Final Rose contestants to not receive a date this week, pulls her aside and has, y'know, a normal human reaction to it. No harmonicas in sight. Almost immediately, Kevin pulls her aside just for Cam to show up announced, bringing all three of them to the front driveway. Apparently they once had a conversation about Cam being a picky eater - big red flag - so he set up a chicken nugget picnic completely with honey mustard. Apparently, when Cam said he had something for all three of them, he meant he had something for Hannah and Kevin could watch. Kevin plans his revenge carefully, holding his nuggets in his fist just to throw them at Cam an indeterminate amount of time later. The camera man zooms in on the discarded nuggets. Cinematography at its finest.
Meanwhile, Hannah and Luke are getting steamy. Half massage, half make out session, Luke is getting progressively more undressed when poor, sweet Jed walks in. I can only hope that his ability to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time does not condemn him to the dreaded two-on-one. Jed laughs it off as if he did not just see his potential wife undressing another man.
Without further ado, we make it to the rose ceremony. Jed, Tyler G, and Dustin all have roses, and the others go to:
The episode opens on the remaining men drinking mimosas, all attempting to drown out the nonsensical ramblings of Luke P and Cam. Yes, they may have just met Hannah, but yes, they have already named their future children. The first date card arrives, informing Grant, Luke S, Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan, and Luke P that Hannah is "looking for her Mr. Right." The qualities of this Mr. Right? Being able to pageant walk in a speedo and learn a superficial talent in as little time as possible. That's right, Hannah has turned the tables of her pageant lifestyle and now every man subjected to this date has to cut loose and lose the clothes. There to help in the judging are drag queens Alyssa and Alaska, as well as Miss J of America's Next Top Model fame. One by one, the
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| Shout out to the man losing his mind in the background. Me too, Luke S. |
As we move into the talent portion of the competition, one can only wonder how these talents are at all applicable to choosing a future husband. Yeah, Jonathan can juggle, but will he remember to brush snow off the cars before shoveling the driveway? Mike can walk in heels, but will he remember to bring bandaids when mine inevitably give me blisters? It doesn't matter, because all of these talents are trumped first by Jed's original song, and then by Luke P's premature declaration of love. Still blinded by a glimpse of his meaty calves, Hannah glosses over the fact that this is incredibly creepy and declares him the winner.
Perhaps because she is not an absolute dumbass, when Luke pulls her aside she questions whether or not he can truly mean what he says when they've known each other for, oh, less than twenty four hours. Luke, ever the master manipulator, distracts her with his romantic ramblings and chiseled jawline, convincing her, at least for the time being, that it's love at first sight. Girl.
Mike, debatedly even less of a dumbass than Hannah in this moment, calls Luke out on the sheer insanity of it all only for Luke to unleash his inner Bachelor franchise villain with the magic words - "If I see something I want, then I go and get it." Have you ever watched the show, Luke? How well did that go for Olivia? Or Chad? In the end, this argument gets pushed aside for another week when the world's sweetest cowboy, Jed, gets the rose for being hot, Southern, and not aggressively homophobic.
The one-on-one this week goes to Tyler G, who looks so similar to this other guy named Kevin that they could have swapped places any time on this date and I wouldn't have noticed. Hannah shows up in three different white articles of clothing, a look so bold that you would expect the post-date concert to feature Jesse McCartney. Instead, however, this was a conscious choice by her stylist to emphasize that she's not afraid to get down and dirty; the two get in a helicopter to go dirt biking, her right boob getting covered in mud in the process. Suspicious. Since Hannah was the first one-on-one of her season, they spend a lot of time talking about nerves and realizing what you want and all-and-all acting like normal people in the wake of the Luke P fiasco. They get dinner, he gets a rose, securing his spot as the Kevin doppelganger for yet another week.
The third date card is what unleashes Cam from the pits of hell. When Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J, Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C, Joey, Pilot Peter, and Garrett get the ominous message "let's get our love on track," Cam takes it as a personal attack. Already a little unhinged, the idea that Hannah might not already see herself as his future wife is enough to send him over the edge. More on that later.
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| ABC: Always Bring Harmoni(C)a |
In the meantime, Hannah takes the world's least coordinated men to a roller derby. The only thing to ease the pain of completely wiping out on the track is the sight of our Bachelorette herself, wearing the world's tiniest leather shorts. As is customary, the men are divided into two teams to compete, ending in a green team victory and an injury. Since the Krystal incident, they don't really send loser home anymore, which means everyone heads on over to the cocktail party. The stand outs are Dustin, who has a weirdly placed nose ring and, now, a broken ankle, and Pilot Peter, furthering my hunch that he's the ultimate winner once Luke P's reign of terror ends. Oh, and, of course, Cam, who despite being as uninvited as possible took this as a sign that he should definitely show up unannounced. He gives a very confused Hannah a bouquet, convinced that he has secured himself the group date rose now, and leaves. Not one, not two, but three people accost him outside to wonder what his deal is, to which he responds "anyone could have done what I did! Always be Cam! You don't have to ask permission!" Really, Cam? Because I think the camera men would indicate that the producers very much gave you their blessing.
Dustin, in exchange for his broken limb and broken pride, gets the rose so we can all go home.
Going into the rose ceremony, Hannah is crying. Up until this point we have been led to believe that this is through someone's malicious actions (hehm, Cam) but instead she's just overwhelmed by how "lucky" she feels. Girl, statistically there's a chance you will end up with a stalker. Please. You can do better.
Connor S, one of the other After the Final Rose contestants to not receive a date this week, pulls her aside and has, y'know, a normal human reaction to it. No harmonicas in sight. Almost immediately, Kevin pulls her aside just for Cam to show up announced, bringing all three of them to the front driveway. Apparently they once had a conversation about Cam being a picky eater - big red flag - so he set up a chicken nugget picnic completely with honey mustard. Apparently, when Cam said he had something for all three of them, he meant he had something for Hannah and Kevin could watch. Kevin plans his revenge carefully, holding his nuggets in his fist just to throw them at Cam an indeterminate amount of time later. The camera man zooms in on the discarded nuggets. Cinematography at its finest.
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| My face when no one on this damn show minds their business. |
Meanwhile, Hannah and Luke are getting steamy. Half massage, half make out session, Luke is getting progressively more undressed when poor, sweet Jed walks in. I can only hope that his ability to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time does not condemn him to the dreaded two-on-one. Jed laughs it off as if he did not just see his potential wife undressing another man.
Without further ado, we make it to the rose ceremony. Jed, Tyler G, and Dustin all have roses, and the others go to:
- Tyler C: dancing contractor, could not seem less excited to be there
- Garrett: looks like Joey, but slightly better
- Devin: whom
- Connor S: After the Final Rose, tall drink of water
- Luke P: will never get a date after this show airs
- Dylan: white suit jacket, chest tattoo
- Luke S: looks like Jed, but slightly smaller
- Mike: voice of reason
- Pilot Peter: self explanatory
- Kevin: like Tyler G, but worse
- Jonathan: slapped his own ass and I'm still shaken to my core about it
- Joey: looks like Garrett, but slightly worse
- Matteo: ate a bug
- John Paul Jones: not as hot as he thinks he is
- Grant: hot dog
- Cam: crazy murder eyes
That means those leaving us tonight are:
- Connor J: baby face
- Daron: secured the green roller derby team a victory
- Matthew: peaced out before he said goodbye to Hannah
Everyone goes their separate ways, only for Luke to invite himself into the diary room, place Hannah on his lap, and stick his tongue down her throat. She said she wanted bold, but I don't, which is starting to make me worry for my mental sanity this season. See you next week, where none of our allotted villains get their comeuppance, despite how much we want them to.
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