Rebaching Season 15 Episode 3
With each passing week, Alabama Hannah becomes progressively more done with everyone's bullshit and I become more enraptured with what she will say to people's face. Suddenly I find myself wishing she had made it to Fantasy Suites last season just to get her reaction to Colton's absolute meltdown in real time. This week, we have two group dates and a one-on-one, as well as more chicken nuggets and missing plot points than previously thought imaginable.
Chris Harrison delivers the first date card, informing the remaining men that time is precious and you have to make the most of it. Cut to Cam nodding earnestly, probably making a mental note to butt into everyone else's allotted one-on-one time later. The names on the date card are Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C, Mike, and Cam, accompanied by the cryptic message "let's push our love to the limit."
As it turns out, this means "let's bring you as close as physically possible to pushing a small human out of yourself while I watch." First, however, all the men have to be tested on their knowledge of the female body and pregnancy. Everyone who went through the American school system (i.e. all of them) are quaking in their boots, unsure how to bring up the fact that this is the closest thing they've ever had to a sex education class. Cam thinks the gestation period is two weeks while everyone else can piece together that they're referencing how long a woman is pregnant. He ducks his head in shame but alas, he has already proven himself to be a moron in the two previous episodes.
The men think wearing an imitation pregnancy belly is the worst that it's going to get, but, oh no, they got a big storm coming. They are brought into another room and instructed one by one to lay on a hospital bed, get hooked up to a machine, and have the actual pain of childbirth simulated. Hannah looks positively gleeful for her only job to be to stand by and watch. I know the men had to probably consent to this, but under what duress? They're all wimps, so at what cost? John Paul Jones watches, white in the face, until his turn, when his while body starts convulsing a la Wolverine getting turned into the Wolverine. See? Wimps.
At the cocktail party, all hell breaks loose. It starts off innocuous enough, with Mike telling Hannah that this date reminded him of a traumatic event in his past, but how he has moved past it and how she gives him hope for the future. It's a sweet and genuine moment that it promptly ruined by the fact that Cam seeps up through the floorboards in a grey hoodie and a blazer, wondering if its his time with Hannah yet. Mike is extremely polite for someone who just told the woman he's dating that he lost a child and doesn't want to be interrupted just yet. When he doesn't leave, Hannah, the woman Cam is supposedly attempting to woo, tells him to knock it off. Finally, Mike gets up and Cam gets to sit down after pleading that he has something important to tell her. What is that, you ask? He left his job to be here. Is that supposed to impress us?
Jonathan, absolutely livid at the injustice of it all and willing to throw himself on the sword for a chance to be reborn in Paradise, promptly interrupts Cam, physically getting between him and Hannah when Cam tries to walk her to the door. Not recognizing that maybe this is exactly what he did not four minutes earlier, he mopes to John Paul Jones who sits, silent, eating chicken nuggets. At the end of the night, a still slightly peeved Hannah awards the rose to Mike, a real human being with real emotions.
The one-on-one date this week goes to Connor and also does not go as planned. Despite the several previews alluding to Hannah's mystery ailment, the fact that she passed out as soon as she got out of bed is completely glossed over. Since she didn't want to cancel the date, Connor and Hannah just cuddle before its cut short so she can go to bed. A sweetheart, he lives sticky notes all over her hotel room with all the things he loves about her. Can you read his handwriting? No. But is it the thought that counts? Yes.
When Connor returns to the mansion, the men are on edge. They flood him with questions. "Is she okay?" one asks. "Do you know what was wrong?" asks another. "What was she wearing and did she want me to be there to take care of her?" asks Luke P, having, as always, a huge ego and an even huger misunderstanding of what women want. Connor looks baffled. Thankfully, coming to save him is a limo driver instructed to drive him to the second half of his date in fifteen minutes. Hannah is just well enough to sway to some Lukas Graham and make out with Connor's extremely approachable face.
The last date of the week is a second group date, which includes Grant, Luke S, Luke P, Garrett, Dylan, Pete, Devin, and Joey. There are multiple factors at play here - first, the men are led to believe that they will be posing with beautiful models, so much so that Luke P, the man who declared his love last week, says this "might be difficult." Turns out its just a variety of animals, with the bigger twist yet to come. Probably being paid millions, Demi returns to sit in a back room, cameras ready, with a make up artist and an animal trainer instructed to flirt and gauge the men's interest. The world collectively bangs its fists on their respective tables when Luke P launches into a passionate monologue about his love for Hannah instead of shooting himself in the foot.
The biggest take away from the date itself was Hannah's evident chemistry with Pilot Pete, something Luke P will not stand for. He insists on taking photos with Hannah balanced on his back. He tries to follow her when the date is over, much like he did after the last rose ceremony, but this time she tells him to beat it, bozo. It takes not one, but two more chats about how he walks around like he's already won before he gets the hint, this time, at the cocktail party. Apparently, regardless of the group date you attended this week, you were forced to tolerate a delusional man with no concept of time or personal space. We end the date with the same information we had going into it - Luke is crazy and Pete is cute.
The day of the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison arrives to inform the men that there will be no cocktail party; instead, there will be a tailgate party. You know what this means - there will be one single game of cornhole set up and no trucks in sight. They know that that's what a tailgate is named after, right? Before anyone can head outside to the one (1) festivity, Cam announces that he has something to tell Hannah that will "potentially send him home." He makes it sound like he's about to tell Hannah he murdered her uncle with his bare hands. Instead, though, it sounds like he almost got something amputated and had to rehouse his puppy. He's telling this with the sincerity of a man who wholeheartedly believes that this is a tragedy, and it takes Mike telling Hannah that Cam was anticipating a pity rose for her to call him out. The conversation goes a little like this:
Hannah: you expected to go home this week and wanted me to feel bad for you.
Cam: No! I would never! Lies!
Hannah: Did you or did you not write letters to the other guys in case you got sent home?
Cam: I did.
Hannah: So it wasn't a lie?
Cam: No.
Hannah: Okay, case closed.
With that, we can get into the rose ceremony. Mike, Connor S, and Pilot Pete all have roses. Tyler G left mysteriously in a plot point that was completely glossed over in favor of reminding us that, yes, this show attracts sociopaths. The remaining roses go to:
Chris Harrison delivers the first date card, informing the remaining men that time is precious and you have to make the most of it. Cut to Cam nodding earnestly, probably making a mental note to butt into everyone else's allotted one-on-one time later. The names on the date card are Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C, Mike, and Cam, accompanied by the cryptic message "let's push our love to the limit."
As it turns out, this means "let's bring you as close as physically possible to pushing a small human out of yourself while I watch." First, however, all the men have to be tested on their knowledge of the female body and pregnancy. Everyone who went through the American school system (i.e. all of them) are quaking in their boots, unsure how to bring up the fact that this is the closest thing they've ever had to a sex education class. Cam thinks the gestation period is two weeks while everyone else can piece together that they're referencing how long a woman is pregnant. He ducks his head in shame but alas, he has already proven himself to be a moron in the two previous episodes.
John Paul Jones watching everyone else do the labor pain simulator before him #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/7YMLYtCpFR— educated sloot (@machannahmac) May 28, 2019
The men think wearing an imitation pregnancy belly is the worst that it's going to get, but, oh no, they got a big storm coming. They are brought into another room and instructed one by one to lay on a hospital bed, get hooked up to a machine, and have the actual pain of childbirth simulated. Hannah looks positively gleeful for her only job to be to stand by and watch. I know the men had to probably consent to this, but under what duress? They're all wimps, so at what cost? John Paul Jones watches, white in the face, until his turn, when his while body starts convulsing a la Wolverine getting turned into the Wolverine. See? Wimps.
 |
| In this moment, John Paul Jones knew he fucked up. |
At the cocktail party, all hell breaks loose. It starts off innocuous enough, with Mike telling Hannah that this date reminded him of a traumatic event in his past, but how he has moved past it and how she gives him hope for the future. It's a sweet and genuine moment that it promptly ruined by the fact that Cam seeps up through the floorboards in a grey hoodie and a blazer, wondering if its his time with Hannah yet. Mike is extremely polite for someone who just told the woman he's dating that he lost a child and doesn't want to be interrupted just yet. When he doesn't leave, Hannah, the woman Cam is supposedly attempting to woo, tells him to knock it off. Finally, Mike gets up and Cam gets to sit down after pleading that he has something important to tell her. What is that, you ask? He left his job to be here. Is that supposed to impress us?
I hAvE sOmEtHiNg ImPoRtAnT tO tElL hEr #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/nMaDx3Umun— educated sloot (@machannahmac) May 28, 2019
Jonathan, absolutely livid at the injustice of it all and willing to throw himself on the sword for a chance to be reborn in Paradise, promptly interrupts Cam, physically getting between him and Hannah when Cam tries to walk her to the door. Not recognizing that maybe this is exactly what he did not four minutes earlier, he mopes to John Paul Jones who sits, silent, eating chicken nuggets. At the end of the night, a still slightly peeved Hannah awards the rose to Mike, a real human being with real emotions.
The one-on-one date this week goes to Connor and also does not go as planned. Despite the several previews alluding to Hannah's mystery ailment, the fact that she passed out as soon as she got out of bed is completely glossed over. Since she didn't want to cancel the date, Connor and Hannah just cuddle before its cut short so she can go to bed. A sweetheart, he lives sticky notes all over her hotel room with all the things he loves about her. Can you read his handwriting? No. But is it the thought that counts? Yes.
When Connor returns to the mansion, the men are on edge. They flood him with questions. "Is she okay?" one asks. "Do you know what was wrong?" asks another. "What was she wearing and did she want me to be there to take care of her?" asks Luke P, having, as always, a huge ego and an even huger misunderstanding of what women want. Connor looks baffled. Thankfully, coming to save him is a limo driver instructed to drive him to the second half of his date in fifteen minutes. Hannah is just well enough to sway to some Lukas Graham and make out with Connor's extremely approachable face.
The last date of the week is a second group date, which includes Grant, Luke S, Luke P, Garrett, Dylan, Pete, Devin, and Joey. There are multiple factors at play here - first, the men are led to believe that they will be posing with beautiful models, so much so that Luke P, the man who declared his love last week, says this "might be difficult." Turns out its just a variety of animals, with the bigger twist yet to come. Probably being paid millions, Demi returns to sit in a back room, cameras ready, with a make up artist and an animal trainer instructed to flirt and gauge the men's interest. The world collectively bangs its fists on their respective tables when Luke P launches into a passionate monologue about his love for Hannah instead of shooting himself in the foot.
 |
| Her eyes say help me, but her body language also says help me. |
The biggest take away from the date itself was Hannah's evident chemistry with Pilot Pete, something Luke P will not stand for. He insists on taking photos with Hannah balanced on his back. He tries to follow her when the date is over, much like he did after the last rose ceremony, but this time she tells him to beat it, bozo. It takes not one, but two more chats about how he walks around like he's already won before he gets the hint, this time, at the cocktail party. Apparently, regardless of the group date you attended this week, you were forced to tolerate a delusional man with no concept of time or personal space. We end the date with the same information we had going into it - Luke is crazy and Pete is cute.
"Luke P, will you accept this restraining order?" #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/GD6tNVAVaP
— educated sloot (@machannahmac) May 28, 2019
The day of the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison arrives to inform the men that there will be no cocktail party; instead, there will be a tailgate party. You know what this means - there will be one single game of cornhole set up and no trucks in sight. They know that that's what a tailgate is named after, right? Before anyone can head outside to the one (1) festivity, Cam announces that he has something to tell Hannah that will "potentially send him home." He makes it sound like he's about to tell Hannah he murdered her uncle with his bare hands. Instead, though, it sounds like he almost got something amputated and had to rehouse his puppy. He's telling this with the sincerity of a man who wholeheartedly believes that this is a tragedy, and it takes Mike telling Hannah that Cam was anticipating a pity rose for her to call him out. The conversation goes a little like this:
Hannah: you expected to go home this week and wanted me to feel bad for you.
Cam: No! I would never! Lies!
Hannah: Did you or did you not write letters to the other guys in case you got sent home?
Cam: I did.
Hannah: So it wasn't a lie?
Cam: No.
Hannah: Okay, case closed.
| Cam looking confused at the concept of his own demise. |
With that, we can get into the rose ceremony. Mike, Connor S, and Pilot Pete all have roses. Tyler G left mysteriously in a plot point that was completely glossed over in favor of reminding us that, yes, this show attracts sociopaths. The remaining roses go to:
- Jed: I would die for him. He's like a puppy.
- Tyler C: flexed during labor pain.
- Dustin: has a nose ring.
- Dylan: looks like he should be a 1950s greaser.
- Grant: way too excited to be posing in a bathtub with a snake.
- Luke P: we can all agree that he's insane, right? He's insane.
- Garrett: tall hair, previews suggest a potential villain.
- John Paul Jones: aforementioned labor pain aficionado, nugget eater.
- Matteo: whom?
- Devin: didn't know what a romper was.
- Luke S: Jed, but less Southern.
- Kevin: not Tyler G.
This means the men leaving us are:
- Cam: Always Be Crying when he leaves the mansion
- Joey: bargain brand Jordan Rodgers
- Jonathan: took one for the team.
That's all folks. Let's hope next week we can cut the true head off the snake and finally leave the Bachelor mansion behind.
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