Rebaching Season 14 Episode 5
We came, we saw, we questioned every one of Hannah's decision and delved into her inner psyche. This week on The Bachelorette we got our anticipated rose ceremony, two dates so normal they barely got any screen time, and a one-on-one so problematic that not even the Scottish coast and a flurry of producers could fix it. The editing of this episode was so masterful that if you closed your eyes and listened closely, you could hear all of Bachelor nation screaming in unison. Beautiful.
To begin, we pick up right where we left off, with Luke S and Luke P causing such a stir that Hannah needs to physically come separate them. She marches them to another room, sits them down, and makes themphysically fight to the death talk about their feelings. More petulant complaining ensues. Luke S is sure he's right, Luke P is having trouble stringing together a coherent sentence, and Hannah is having none of it. She gets up and leaves, deciding she has had enough, and Chris Harrison rises from the floorboards to inform everyone that the night is over and they will be going straight into the rose ceremony.
Jed, Garrett, and Tyler all have roses from last week. Before Hannah can start handing out the others, Luke S pulls her aside, tells her to keep it real, and bounces. I guess he decided that his tequila brand had received enough exposure. With Luke gone, another rose gets removed and Bachelor nation collectively loses its shit. With one less rose on the table, the others go to:
To begin, we pick up right where we left off, with Luke S and Luke P causing such a stir that Hannah needs to physically come separate them. She marches them to another room, sits them down, and makes them
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| Actual photograph of Hannah's last brain cell. |
Jed, Garrett, and Tyler all have roses from last week. Before Hannah can start handing out the others, Luke S pulls her aside, tells her to keep it real, and bounces. I guess he decided that his tequila brand had received enough exposure. With Luke gone, another rose gets removed and Bachelor nation collectively loses its shit. With one less rose on the table, the others go to:
- Peter: pilot
- Connor S: tall drink of water
- Dylan: may or may not be the owner of the original salmon blazer
- Dustin: was really worried that he didn't have time to talk to Hannah, got rose anyway
- Mike: nothing but respect for my Bachelor
- Kevin: who's going to break it to him that he isn't going to be the winner
- Devin: see above
- Grant: exists to look annoyed at Luke's antics
- Luke P: sociopathic robot in a human suit
With that final upset, that means we are saying goodbye to John Paul Jones and Matteo in addition to Luke S. Bachelor nation collectively weeps at the loss of our own John Paul Jones, whose perfectly timed facial expressions have been headlining my blog for weeks. You will be missed.
With the drama both behind her and standing right next to her breathing down her neck, Hannah announces that the men will be jetsetting off to Scotland. It took Evan Bass's comment about non-stop flights from Rhode Island to Scotland for me to realize that they're following the same route as my last vacation, and I don't know how to feel about that. I think they're going to Amsterdam next, and I just went to Amsterdam. Do I have Bachelor location premonition? Is this my new super power? I will accept it with grace.
The men shuffle into a local pub, dragging Luke behind them like someone's little brother who they were forced to babysit. Hannah comes in to surprise them with the first one-on-one, something that makes Luke shed his outer skin and pretend to be a normal, healthy boyfriend. Everyone else is not having it, and proceed to personally attack him for the ninth time this week. We get it. He's the worst. But he's a demon who feeds off negative energy and you are only making him stronger.
Meanwhile, Hannah and Mike head off to explore Inverness. I can't even comprehend how badly he mispronounced it, otherwise I would attempt some kind of phonetic spelling. Inverniss? Envernisk? I don't even know. After this date, which mostly involves going to a bookstore and a sweet shop, I can see why everyone is rooting for him for Bachelor. He's cute and you can tell he's a great guy, but Hannah definitely isn't going to pick him over someone like Tyler or Pete. By the end of the date, Hannah is just trying (and failing) to pretend like she isn't more than a little tipsy. A totally not planted Englishman gets them to try haggis and they all have a good laugh. This date, more than many of the others this season, feels forced, but that just could be because he says he's nervous. They get a little bit into a heart to heart, and Mike gets the one-on-one rose.
When the group date arrives, the name noticeably missing this week is Luke. A silence falls over the room. Everyone gets pouty that they didn't get their special moment, but all is forgotten when they can have a group date without the underlying threat of bodily harm. In the end, its fortunate that he's absent, because this week's date is effectively the same as last week, but Scottish. There is still tackling involved, just in kilts so everyone's bare butt can be out. Tyler C is the only one who can lodge an ax in a hunk of wood, which Hannah is way too excited about. Is that a trait your future husband has, Hannah? Hurling at ax at something? Jed wins the games as a whole by personally requesting that Hannah tackle him, which is romantically and geographically a smart move. Everyone else pretty much flashed her when they tackled someone.
Hannah pulls Jed aside to give him the deed to their new Scottish land, and, more importantly, learn the important life lesson that you can't straddle someone in a mermaid-cut gown. Kevin, who has yet to realize he is not the love of Hannah's life, walks in on them making out and sheepishly admits that he hasn't kissed her. Cut to Pete tackling her on top of the pool table, and Tyler C shepherding her into a bedroom. Kevin, this is a bad sign. Pack your bags. Jed, for the second week in a row, gets a rose.
This leads us into the final hour of the episode, 90% of which is taken up by Luke saying "I just want to give you clarity." If I had a nickle for every time he said that, I would have enough money to buy legal ownership of the phrase and ban it from every human language.
Luke shows up ready to have the perfect one-on-one date, selectively forgetting that three days ago he bullied someone off the show. Hannah is, understandably, looking for answers, desperately hoping that he gives her any sign of a human consciousness so she can believe his side of the story and give him a rose. Instead, the answer to every question is "I just want to give you clarity." Why does everyone in the house hate you? "I just want to give you clarity." How do you feel about it? "I just want to give you clarity." Have you ever felt an emotion other than rage? "I just want to give you clarity." Hannah walks away, frustrated, and asks the producers if anyone can explain to him what feelings are. No joke. I get that she really had her heart set on liking this guy, I really do, but at this point the date would be going better if he were just a cardboard cut out of a person. Finally, she says she just wants to explore the castle. "Great!" he thinks. "I have fooled her once again into thinking I am not just a bunch of red flags in a trench coat."
With ten minutes left, we get to the dinner portion of the date, where Hannah reiterates that she needs more from him and he reiterates that he does not understand what those words mean. In a moment of pure bliss that will surely be ruined next week, Hannah says "Luke, I can't give you this rose." Cut to scenes from the next episode. Crying. Shouting. Luke praying. Insanity is about to ensue and I can't wait.
When the group date arrives, the name noticeably missing this week is Luke. A silence falls over the room. Everyone gets pouty that they didn't get their special moment, but all is forgotten when they can have a group date without the underlying threat of bodily harm. In the end, its fortunate that he's absent, because this week's date is effectively the same as last week, but Scottish. There is still tackling involved, just in kilts so everyone's bare butt can be out. Tyler C is the only one who can lodge an ax in a hunk of wood, which Hannah is way too excited about. Is that a trait your future husband has, Hannah? Hurling at ax at something? Jed wins the games as a whole by personally requesting that Hannah tackle him, which is romantically and geographically a smart move. Everyone else pretty much flashed her when they tackled someone.
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| Her body language says, "He's an old Scottish man," but her eyes say, "Kinda cute though." |
Hannah pulls Jed aside to give him the deed to their new Scottish land, and, more importantly, learn the important life lesson that you can't straddle someone in a mermaid-cut gown. Kevin, who has yet to realize he is not the love of Hannah's life, walks in on them making out and sheepishly admits that he hasn't kissed her. Cut to Pete tackling her on top of the pool table, and Tyler C shepherding her into a bedroom. Kevin, this is a bad sign. Pack your bags. Jed, for the second week in a row, gets a rose.
This leads us into the final hour of the episode, 90% of which is taken up by Luke saying "I just want to give you clarity." If I had a nickle for every time he said that, I would have enough money to buy legal ownership of the phrase and ban it from every human language.
Luke shows up ready to have the perfect one-on-one date, selectively forgetting that three days ago he bullied someone off the show. Hannah is, understandably, looking for answers, desperately hoping that he gives her any sign of a human consciousness so she can believe his side of the story and give him a rose. Instead, the answer to every question is "I just want to give you clarity." Why does everyone in the house hate you? "I just want to give you clarity." How do you feel about it? "I just want to give you clarity." Have you ever felt an emotion other than rage? "I just want to give you clarity." Hannah walks away, frustrated, and asks the producers if anyone can explain to him what feelings are. No joke. I get that she really had her heart set on liking this guy, I really do, but at this point the date would be going better if he were just a cardboard cut out of a person. Finally, she says she just wants to explore the castle. "Great!" he thinks. "I have fooled her once again into thinking I am not just a bunch of red flags in a trench coat."
With ten minutes left, we get to the dinner portion of the date, where Hannah reiterates that she needs more from him and he reiterates that he does not understand what those words mean. In a moment of pure bliss that will surely be ruined next week, Hannah says "Luke, I can't give you this rose." Cut to scenes from the next episode. Crying. Shouting. Luke praying. Insanity is about to ensue and I can't wait.
Me when Hannah gave Luke the one-on-one vs. me when she said "I can't give you this rose." #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/H30xoyinE9— educated sloot (@machannahmac) June 12, 2019
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