Rebaching Season 15 Episode 4
With each passing episode, I like Hannah more and her prospective suitors less. When she makes everything fun and genuine and quirky, it makes it even more off-putting when a basket case starts kneeing people in the face, or even when someone openly admits that they signed up for The Bachelorette to jump start their music career. Week by week, I remain baffled that men still can't meet this show's ridiculously low standards. You can wear a salmon suit jacket three weeks in a row and get a rose, just, please, dear god, do not end up in jail for attempted murder. You can't even do that? Okay, just only murder a little bit.
I could feel it in my bones that this week was going to be the beginning of this season's jet-setting, and you could tell the remaining men in the house were rubbing their grimy hands together wondering how much longer they needed to stick around to get to Bora Bora. Turns out they have to tough it out for another week, because Chris Harrison is shipping them off to the other side of the country, beautiful and scenic Rhode Island.
As a native New Englander, I have some opinions. Newport is famous for the Gilded Age mansions and yet none of the dates involved them walking around in silence on the audio tour. How could you pan across the Providence skyline without one single glimpse of a billboard for an accident lawyer? And, most of all, how could the first one-on-one involve a trip to Boston when they are the farthest possible stops on the MBTA? With movie magic, I guess, Jed and Hannah are transported to the steps of Faneuil Hall, letting every California native live blissfully unaware that not everything in Massachusetts is close together.
The highlight of this date is Hannah, and Jed is just being dragged behind her like a lovestruck puppy. Turns out her hobby is making up fake facts about America. Jed is too distracted by her grace and beauty to give more than a meek chuckle, while my mom and I remain in stitches on our living room sofa. While these "explore a place with a person" dates often come across as a waste or completely over the top, this one felt so much like a real date with real people that it could feel awkward. They're feeding each other ice cream. I feel like I'm intruding on something. The date ends with a visit from two members of the Boston Celtics and specialized jerseys. You know how sometimes the people on this show have to pretend to be excited? There is no doubt in my mind that Jed is having the time of his life and all his dreams are coming true right in front of his very eyes.
Jed is starting to grow on me after his unadulterated excitement, which means he has to almost immediately ruin it. When it comes time to open up in exchange for the coveted group date rose, he tells Hannah that he never really intended to use the show as a way to find love, but since Hannah was there and she gave him butterflies he might as well try now. 10 points for honesty there, bud, but like -10 points for trying to act like your desire to sell things on Instagram makes you open and deep. He gets a rose, probably because Hannah can overlook almost anything when she just thinks about how he got that basket behind his back.
There's only one group date this week, so everyone who isn't Jed and Tyler C. shuffle off to the home of Newport's rugby team. In Luke P's defense, their greeting from the coaches is that rugby is a sport of blood, sweat, and tears, demonstrating this through a graphic description of every injury ever sustained on the field. With this in mind, the men gear up, split into teams, and proceeded to pummel each other as nicely as possible. The incident in question that took things "too far" for everyone was when Luke P body slammed the other Luke into the ground, allegedly kneeing him in the face. What this ignores is the fact that Luke P was using absurd force in every interaction he had, taking anyone down with full force whenever they came within a ten-foot radius of him. It can all be chocked up to normal rugby behavior, apparently, though, until the corner of the camera catches Luke absolutely smashing someone's body into the ground. Too bad there's no accident lawyer advertisements around, Luke S could really use one right now.
This pretty much dominates the rest of the date. They go to the cocktail party and the two Lukes take turns whining to Hannah about how they have a bad reputation in the house and how she shouldn't believe it. For good measure, Luke P throws in that Luke S cares more about promoting his tequila brand than winning Hannah's heart. While bodily harm is forgivable, the wrong reasons are not, and Luke's justification is a lackluster "I do like you though." Both of them can go, in my opinion. Garrett gets the group date rose because he's smart enough to not say the dreaded L name any time during his one-on-one time.
This fiasco leaves Hannah in tears the next morning, and who is there to wipe away her tears but Tyler C. What's he going to wipe her tears away with, you might ask? A tissue? No, of course not. A lobster (ehm, lobstah) he just caught. It kind of bothers me that he never opens his mouth wider than an eighth of an inch, but he seems like a genuinely compassionate guy and has a killer jawline, so he can stay. He might end up being the only competition for my early assumption that the winner would be Pilot Pete. They also genuinely appear to have a great time on this date and it turns out he was just what she needed after the nightmare that was last night. She does realize, though, that she has to see them again right? She still needs to send them home? Mentally marrying Tyler C after he tells you about how he looks up to his Pops does not mean the other men are automatically sent home.
At this point, we have fifteen minutes left and I cross every digit in hopes for a rose ceremony. Nope. Instead, I am forced to rehash the entire Luke v. Luke drama one more time, this time with the added flavor of Luke S being stupid enough to think that Luke P will actually go tell Hannah he's a liar. At the end of the night, we are left with the image of fifteen men in suits in a screaming match, with one very small blonde woman the only thing holding their collective sanity together. Let's hope next week they materialize into thin air so I'm not contractually obligated to witness the fallout of this screaming match.
I could feel it in my bones that this week was going to be the beginning of this season's jet-setting, and you could tell the remaining men in the house were rubbing their grimy hands together wondering how much longer they needed to stick around to get to Bora Bora. Turns out they have to tough it out for another week, because Chris Harrison is shipping them off to the other side of the country, beautiful and scenic Rhode Island.
As a native New Englander, I have some opinions. Newport is famous for the Gilded Age mansions and yet none of the dates involved them walking around in silence on the audio tour. How could you pan across the Providence skyline without one single glimpse of a billboard for an accident lawyer? And, most of all, how could the first one-on-one involve a trip to Boston when they are the farthest possible stops on the MBTA? With movie magic, I guess, Jed and Hannah are transported to the steps of Faneuil Hall, letting every California native live blissfully unaware that not everything in Massachusetts is close together.
 |
| In this moment, this Boston Celtics player was questioning everything he had ever done to lead to him to telling this blonde woman he has never met before whether or not her date is husband material. |
The highlight of this date is Hannah, and Jed is just being dragged behind her like a lovestruck puppy. Turns out her hobby is making up fake facts about America. Jed is too distracted by her grace and beauty to give more than a meek chuckle, while my mom and I remain in stitches on our living room sofa. While these "explore a place with a person" dates often come across as a waste or completely over the top, this one felt so much like a real date with real people that it could feel awkward. They're feeding each other ice cream. I feel like I'm intruding on something. The date ends with a visit from two members of the Boston Celtics and specialized jerseys. You know how sometimes the people on this show have to pretend to be excited? There is no doubt in my mind that Jed is having the time of his life and all his dreams are coming true right in front of his very eyes.
Jed is starting to grow on me after his unadulterated excitement, which means he has to almost immediately ruin it. When it comes time to open up in exchange for the coveted group date rose, he tells Hannah that he never really intended to use the show as a way to find love, but since Hannah was there and she gave him butterflies he might as well try now. 10 points for honesty there, bud, but like -10 points for trying to act like your desire to sell things on Instagram makes you open and deep. He gets a rose, probably because Hannah can overlook almost anything when she just thinks about how he got that basket behind his back.
 |
| Y'all ready to break some limbs? |
There's only one group date this week, so everyone who isn't Jed and Tyler C. shuffle off to the home of Newport's rugby team. In Luke P's defense, their greeting from the coaches is that rugby is a sport of blood, sweat, and tears, demonstrating this through a graphic description of every injury ever sustained on the field. With this in mind, the men gear up, split into teams, and proceeded to pummel each other as nicely as possible. The incident in question that took things "too far" for everyone was when Luke P body slammed the other Luke into the ground, allegedly kneeing him in the face. What this ignores is the fact that Luke P was using absurd force in every interaction he had, taking anyone down with full force whenever they came within a ten-foot radius of him. It can all be chocked up to normal rugby behavior, apparently, though, until the corner of the camera catches Luke absolutely smashing someone's body into the ground. Too bad there's no accident lawyer advertisements around, Luke S could really use one right now.
This pretty much dominates the rest of the date. They go to the cocktail party and the two Lukes take turns whining to Hannah about how they have a bad reputation in the house and how she shouldn't believe it. For good measure, Luke P throws in that Luke S cares more about promoting his tequila brand than winning Hannah's heart. While bodily harm is forgivable, the wrong reasons are not, and Luke's justification is a lackluster "I do like you though." Both of them can go, in my opinion. Garrett gets the group date rose because he's smart enough to not say the dreaded L name any time during his one-on-one time.
This fiasco leaves Hannah in tears the next morning, and who is there to wipe away her tears but Tyler C. What's he going to wipe her tears away with, you might ask? A tissue? No, of course not. A lobster (ehm, lobstah) he just caught. It kind of bothers me that he never opens his mouth wider than an eighth of an inch, but he seems like a genuinely compassionate guy and has a killer jawline, so he can stay. He might end up being the only competition for my early assumption that the winner would be Pilot Pete. They also genuinely appear to have a great time on this date and it turns out he was just what she needed after the nightmare that was last night. She does realize, though, that she has to see them again right? She still needs to send them home? Mentally marrying Tyler C after he tells you about how he looks up to his Pops does not mean the other men are automatically sent home.
At this point, we have fifteen minutes left and I cross every digit in hopes for a rose ceremony. Nope. Instead, I am forced to rehash the entire Luke v. Luke drama one more time, this time with the added flavor of Luke S being stupid enough to think that Luke P will actually go tell Hannah he's a liar. At the end of the night, we are left with the image of fifteen men in suits in a screaming match, with one very small blonde woman the only thing holding their collective sanity together. Let's hope next week they materialize into thin air so I'm not contractually obligated to witness the fallout of this screaming match.
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