Rebaching Season 15 Episode 7
I'm starting to feel like this season is to going to give Colton a run for his money. With Hometowns, Fantasy Suites, and the Final Rose ahead, I'm starting to wonder what will be scaled by Luke in an attempt to prove his love for Hannah. Will he climb a skyscraper King Kong style? Will he crawl his way through the Netherlandish sewer system when someone finally mistakes him for a piece of literal trash? Only time will tell.
We begin this week in Riga, Latvia, a tell-tale sign that the hour-long recap last week was an attempt to keep the show structure from going completely off the rails. This means we got three dates this week, as well as an impromptu declaration of love, a confrontation, and a rose ceremony.
The first one-on-one goes to Garrett, who pretty much exists to emphasize how aggressively Southern Hannah's accent is. He meets Hannah in the middle of woods, and it's unclear if Hannah knows there's a secret and is terrible at hiding it, or if she's genuinely unsure what is going on. They're in their winter coats and gloves, which should be the first indication that it's too cold for a casual jaunt, and definitely too cold to strip down, be strapped together, and pushed off a cable car, which is exactly what they're going to do. A "buck-naked" (Hannah's words) Latvian couple comes careening down from the heavens, causing Hannah's eyes to bug out of her skull like a cartoon character. Maybe they told her she would be bungee jumping, but failed to mention that she would be strapped naked to someone on her first date while it casually starts snowing in the middle of the Latvian winter.
Garrett sees that this is his time to shine and tries to be extremely comforting. He's making up for a lack of Luke-less screentime this season with a can-do attitude and a willingness to get naked without making a fuss. After they are pushed off the cable car by some unenthused attendants who have probably seen a lot of butts, they both make the same metaphor about how "it's just like falling in love!" I get that falling in love (especially on live TV) is also scary, but this Latvian date seems like my worst nightmare and I would like to keep believing that is not the case. Garrett gets a rose because Hannah is into his tall hair, Southern charm, and uplifting story about how he likes golf more than football. He's falling in love for her, after all.
The group date includes everyone but Pilot Pete, meaning he will be the lucky recipient of the second one-on-one. Since the producers were absolutely married to the idea of naked bungee jumping, the "roam around X city" date has been pushed back and forced to accommodate six people instead of two. They start off by doing shots of moonshine, since Luke is on this date and no one can tolerate him without at least one shot in their system. They all start vying for time, pretending to have a good time while sharing their girlfriend with several other men, and seem casually interested when she talks about naked bungee jumping with another man. Except Luke, who proceeds to have smoke spill out of his ears at the mere thought of his future wife having been naked before. We get it, you're sexist and hypocritical, move in. He doesn't. He goes into his one-on-one time expecting to be received as a saint for forgiving Hannah for her "boneheaded mistake." "Don't you understand that I can't introduce my parents to someone has been naked before? They won't get it. We all shower fully clothed. It will upset them." Hannah isn't having any of that and gives the group date rose to Tyler instead.
Pilot Pete, who has spent the whole week now waiting for his own chance at naked bungee jumping, is instead treated to the Latvian tradition of rubbing your significant other with homemade "honey sauce." As someone who is allergic to honey, this would, once again, be a nightmare, but they seem to have a good time. They get to relax in a random hot tub, as is customary, making us wonder why the naked bungee jumping in winter didn't seem like a better time to let them warm up. Now all the spicey honey sauce is in the water, dumbasses! Peter gets a rose for being cute (albeit, not the brightest bulb in the box) and probably inevitably coming in second place.
Meanwhile, Luke is losing his final brain cell. Garrett gets word that Luke is adamantly against nudity, and is confused as to why he's making everything about himself. Have you ... not been living through this show so far? It's abundantly clear why he's making everything about himself. Hannah has unleashed hell by saying "stay in your lane" in the heat of the moment, since every man has latched on to it and concoct every possible related metaphor. Not only is Luke not staying in his lane, but he's watching everyone else from his lane.
Hannah comes in to confront him, which feels like a mistake considering last time he refused to demonstrate emotion, you kicked him out, and he talked his way back in. At this point, I think he just needs slide through a secret trapdoor and be escorted off the premises so he can't keep gaslighting my girl. This is exactly what he does: someone convinces Hannah that it's her fault that she misunderstood his sexist and controlling rant as something sexist and controlling. Another week, another episode that convinces me this show should have better background checks. The man is insane. The man needs to be escorted off the premise before you can instill even more of this deep-seated fear in Hannah that he has been right all along.
After this conversation, Chris Harrison comes out to inform the men that there will be no rose ceremony. Garrett, Tyler, and Pete all have roses. The four remaining go to:
We begin this week in Riga, Latvia, a tell-tale sign that the hour-long recap last week was an attempt to keep the show structure from going completely off the rails. This means we got three dates this week, as well as an impromptu declaration of love, a confrontation, and a rose ceremony.
The first one-on-one goes to Garrett, who pretty much exists to emphasize how aggressively Southern Hannah's accent is. He meets Hannah in the middle of woods, and it's unclear if Hannah knows there's a secret and is terrible at hiding it, or if she's genuinely unsure what is going on. They're in their winter coats and gloves, which should be the first indication that it's too cold for a casual jaunt, and definitely too cold to strip down, be strapped together, and pushed off a cable car, which is exactly what they're going to do. A "buck-naked" (Hannah's words) Latvian couple comes careening down from the heavens, causing Hannah's eyes to bug out of her skull like a cartoon character. Maybe they told her she would be bungee jumping, but failed to mention that she would be strapped naked to someone on her first date while it casually starts snowing in the middle of the Latvian winter.
Garrett sees that this is his time to shine and tries to be extremely comforting. He's making up for a lack of Luke-less screentime this season with a can-do attitude and a willingness to get naked without making a fuss. After they are pushed off the cable car by some unenthused attendants who have probably seen a lot of butts, they both make the same metaphor about how "it's just like falling in love!" I get that falling in love (especially on live TV) is also scary, but this Latvian date seems like my worst nightmare and I would like to keep believing that is not the case. Garrett gets a rose because Hannah is into his tall hair, Southern charm, and uplifting story about how he likes golf more than football. He's falling in love for her, after all.
 |
| When some other guy buys your girlfriend flowers and you have to pretend to be cool with it. |
The group date includes everyone but Pilot Pete, meaning he will be the lucky recipient of the second one-on-one. Since the producers were absolutely married to the idea of naked bungee jumping, the "roam around X city" date has been pushed back and forced to accommodate six people instead of two. They start off by doing shots of moonshine, since Luke is on this date and no one can tolerate him without at least one shot in their system. They all start vying for time, pretending to have a good time while sharing their girlfriend with several other men, and seem casually interested when she talks about naked bungee jumping with another man. Except Luke, who proceeds to have smoke spill out of his ears at the mere thought of his future wife having been naked before. We get it, you're sexist and hypocritical, move in. He doesn't. He goes into his one-on-one time expecting to be received as a saint for forgiving Hannah for her "boneheaded mistake." "Don't you understand that I can't introduce my parents to someone has been naked before? They won't get it. We all shower fully clothed. It will upset them." Hannah isn't having any of that and gives the group date rose to Tyler instead.
Pilot Pete, who has spent the whole week now waiting for his own chance at naked bungee jumping, is instead treated to the Latvian tradition of rubbing your significant other with homemade "honey sauce." As someone who is allergic to honey, this would, once again, be a nightmare, but they seem to have a good time. They get to relax in a random hot tub, as is customary, making us wonder why the naked bungee jumping in winter didn't seem like a better time to let them warm up. Now all the spicey honey sauce is in the water, dumbasses! Peter gets a rose for being cute (albeit, not the brightest bulb in the box) and probably inevitably coming in second place.
Meanwhile, Luke is losing his final brain cell. Garrett gets word that Luke is adamantly against nudity, and is confused as to why he's making everything about himself. Have you ... not been living through this show so far? It's abundantly clear why he's making everything about himself. Hannah has unleashed hell by saying "stay in your lane" in the heat of the moment, since every man has latched on to it and concoct every possible related metaphor. Not only is Luke not staying in his lane, but he's watching everyone else from his lane.
 |
| "Oh shit, I left my other girlfriend at home." |
Hannah comes in to confront him, which feels like a mistake considering last time he refused to demonstrate emotion, you kicked him out, and he talked his way back in. At this point, I think he just needs slide through a secret trapdoor and be escorted off the premises so he can't keep gaslighting my girl. This is exactly what he does: someone convinces Hannah that it's her fault that she misunderstood his sexist and controlling rant as something sexist and controlling. Another week, another episode that convinces me this show should have better background checks. The man is insane. The man needs to be escorted off the premise before you can instill even more of this deep-seated fear in Hannah that he has been right all along.
After this conversation, Chris Harrison comes out to inform the men that there will be no rose ceremony. Garrett, Tyler, and Pete all have roses. The four remaining go to:
- Jed: sneaking out at night and playing your guitar for Hannah does not equal a personality, sir.
- Mike: surprisingly little Mike content this week. Twitter weeps.
- Connor: also no Connor content this week. Poor, sweet, tall boy.
- Luke: approximately thirty seconds away from slut shaming at all times.
This week we're saying goodbye to Dustin and Dylan, and absolutely no one is surprised. Next week they are in the Netherlands and Luke finds Hannah has had premarital sex in addition to being naked before marriage. Chaos ensues.
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