Rebaching Season 23 Episode 1

Chris Harrison is standing in a crowd of drunk women, everyone is screaming, they keep flashing to images of shirtless Colton taking a shower, the sound mixing is terrible. I can think of no better introduction to season 23 of The Bachelor, where we are all begrudgingly following this former football player on his search for love. But at what cost? By the end of the premier I was hungry, tired, and left completely unsure whether or not Colton actually has an identity outside of being a 26-year-old virgin.

Have you heard that Colton is a virgin? Have they not mentioned that Colton is a virgin? Well, he's a virgin. Anyone who decided to drink whenever that one word is said is already the expected level of drunkenness of a Bachelor in Paradise cast member, and it's only 8:02. Amazingly, Tia has yet to rappel down from the rafters, asking "can I steal him for a sec?" After further research, this is probably because she is currently dating a Southern Colton doppelganger, therefore negating her need to shimmy her way into the spotlight once again. I have no doubt she will make an Andy Dorfman-esque appearance in his moment of weakness.

Chris Harrison spends the first ten minutes of the episode introducing more Bachelor watch parties than I can keep straight. There are former Bachelorettes everywhere, popping out where you least expect them. My mom summed it up when she said, quite simply, "this is terrible." Nothing of note happens in this live segments other than two proposals, an introduction to Mother Harrison, and a drunk Krystal saying that she's going to get a dog. This is the first, and probably last, time I have related to her. 

After thirty minutes of the apparently rhetorical question "do you want to meet the women?", we are introduced to this season's key players. This includes:

• Cassie, a self proclaimed "great communicator" who looks exactly like every other blonde woman to the point where I actually can't remember if she actually said anything the entire night.
• Katie, who likes to do those rope exercises at the gym and not much else
• Onyeka, who is Nigerian and spent a lot of time explaining why her name was so long
• Hannah B., also identifiable as Miss Alabama, who is trying way to hard to come across as both the charming Southerner and the quirky blonde. It does not work in her favor - I don't think anyone can come across as ~quirky~ and ~weird~ while also riding a tractor through a corn field.
• Nicole, from Miami. I have nothing to say about Nicole other than the fact that she confuses Colton by speaking in Spanish and saying she is from Havana. It's too much to hope she is the new Bibiana. 
• Heather, whose entire personality and occupation is apparently "Never Been Kissed." She has crazy eyes and suspiciously long hair and I think if I ever met her in person she would terrify me.
• Kirpa, who is way too normal for this franchise but also had some weird comments about teeth.
• Demi, who brought us the greatest gift of all, Embezzlement Mom. She was the first woman to bring up the virginity issue in her bio, and made it abundantly clear that she believes sex is important through a very confusing cupcake metaphor. She wondered how you could know you liked chocolate if you've only ever had strawberry, which left me wondering why on earth she would choose strawberry as one of the most generic cupcake flavors. 

Then, of course, we get our introduction to Colton, as if we have not spent the last six months watching him fend off Tia and cry on the beach. They flash back all the way to his elementary school days, insinuating that this is the last time he has ever faced any form of hardship. Every difficulty he describes from his life is from before he hit puberty. The rest of my notes from this section are limited to "he must be very clean after his forty minute shower." Nothing says "mm, get me some of that" quite like watching a man methodically shampoo his hair.

In lieu of the standard Bachelor move of making former leads return to the house to drink champagne and give variations of the same advice, we get a montage of couples that have resulted in children. It's all well and good until someone I don't even recognize says "I'd be so happy if my kids decided they wanted to go on the show!" Her children are approximately three years old. I don't think they even fully grasp the English language yet.

Colton (right) gazing lovingly into the eyes of Lucy (left), who is wearing a ravishing plaid bandanna.

An hour in and we are just getting to the limos. Sheesh. This is the part everyone has been waiting for, but the incessant cutting back and forth between this and the live show and commercial breaks leaves me even more unsure than usual about who is who. These were the stand-outs:

• A second Miss America contestant, Miss North Carolina, gets out of the limo with her sash completely crooked. An absolutely savage move on the other girls' parts.
• Cassie is extremely nervous and shows up with a box of butterflies. Colton dumps out the butterflies. It is only now in looking back that I figured out this was Cassie, so apparently it didn't do its intended job of making her memorable.
• A police car drives up to the mansion and in my ignorance I hopefully think we have a badass female cop on the show. Lo and behold it is just Tracy, a stylist who claims to be the fashion police. She says Colton is good for now and gives him her handcuffs, leading to a very weird comment about the fantasy suite from the man we have been repeatedly reminded is a virgin. Also, he's wearing a blue suit. He's dressed in such standard attire that he might as well be a Sim. Go harass the girls who decided to wear the same dress instead.
• At least three different girls get out with some pun about him being a virgin and it makes my mom scream. She wants them all eliminated immediately.
• Catherine, who is already being made out to be the villain, gets out of the limo with her dog and hands it to Colton. Everyone immediately decides that they hate this. 
• Erin shows up in a carriage and admittedly looks like an absolute goddess. She tells Colton to come find her before midnight. Catherine makes the same joke two seconds later and this seals her fate even before she even commits the most heinous crime of the night.
• Bri does a very bad Australian accent and then they never follow through to make sure we know that Colton knows she is not Australian.
•  Alex D. gets out of the limo in a sloth suit, making her our token animal of the season. 

Colton makes sure to tell every woman who gets out that he's nervous and that she's gorgeous. Someone please get this man a thesaurus. Someone please introduce him to the concept of a synonym, I can't spend the entire season listening to him say these same two words.

I take a brief break to give an ungodly scream at the A Million Little Things preview I have already seen five thousand times thanks to Bachelor in Paradise. I believe it is also at this point when I give up all hope of learning anyone's name. They're all going to be wearing different dresses next week anyway, and I am mostly identifying them based on which level of sparkle they are supporting.

The rest of the night is dominated by the revelation that is Hannah G. and Catherine securing her position as first attendee of the dreaded 2-on-1. Hannah wins herself the First Impression Rose by having a very sweet and down to earth conversation with Colton, and its evident that she doesn't need any bells and whistles to prove to him that they have a natural chemistry. It reminds me so much of my first impression of Arie and Becca that I predict she will make it to the top two. North Carolina is also an early standout since she received the first kiss. We see some cute moments between Colton and the dog rescuer, and Colton and the dancer. They'll all stick around at least until its time to travel.

Meanwhile, everyone in the country and Bachelor Mansion is losing their collective mind over Catherine. Since every season they need to up the ante, Catherine steals their shared man not once, twice, or three times, but four, a move that I think is unprecedented. Someone - probably Onyeka, but again, I can't keep them straight - pulls her aside and she really doesn't care. Colton, who for some reason has never seen this show and therefore doesn't know that every other kind of woman always hates this kind of woman, says that he respects her ability to know what she wants. Vanquishing Catherine is almost definitely going to be someone's quest this season, only time will tell who.

On the opposite end of the spectrum from Catherine, we have Hannah B., who walks around the house forlornly complaining that she hasn't had time with Colton. As anyone who has seen this show knows, you are allotted one (1) steal for the night and instead of using it she just mopes around, probably a little wine drunk. Just saying, I would be a fantastic contestant for this show because I have, in fact, watched it before. 

Before we can get to the good stuff (i.e. the longest rose ceremony of the season), we have to watch a tribute video to Chris Harrison which only proves he is an ageless entity who drinks the blood of virgins like Colton to maintain his youth. I don't know why he would expose his secret by having it all documented on this show, but to each their own.

Finally, what we have been waiting for for the past ... 2 hours and 45 minutes. Good god. The girls who receive roses are:

• Hannah G., who already had the first impression rose, a sweet blonde cherub
• Caelynn, Miss North Carolina
• Katie, likes to do that one exercise at the gym
• Alex B., lost her voice, likes dogs, essentially me if I was a model
• Hannah B., Miss Alabama, complained about not using allotted steal all night
• Onyeka, may have called out Catherine, Nigerian
• I heard Kayla, but it must be Caitlin, because there is no Kayla on this show. She was wearing a pantsuit, which I respect. Is this the new Baby Bekah?
• Annie, looks like Cinderella but is not Cinderella
• Kirpa, loves teeth
• Heather, has never been kissed, will give me nightmares
• Elyse, only redhead
• Tayshia, no opinion
• Courtney, no opinion
• Cassie, butterflies, great communicator
• Demi, daughter of Embezzlement Mom, is already rubbing me the wrong way
• Nina, from Croatia
• Erika McNutt, made virginity joke, already cancelled
• Sydney, dancer
• Bri, fake Australian that we never heard from again, in Australian or not
• Angelique, no opinion
• Tracy, fashion police
• Nicole, Miami
• Catherine, because obviously

This means five girls are leaving us this week, and Revian, sloth, and Cinderella don't even get a goodbye voice over. Instead, the final moments of the episode are dedicated to Tahkjuan having a minor meltdown and Devin whining because Catherine stayed over her. As if leaving the Bachelor Mansion after staying up drinking wine until 6 in the morning wasn't bad enough, everyone goes outside to toast behind Devin as she is filming her goodbye interview. Tears are involved, as are in any good episode.

Stay tuned for the rest of this season, where it looks like we'll be seeing everyone accusing everyone else of being a liar, Colton crying, several blonde women falling in love, and Colton climbing over a fence to embrace his new life in the woods, away from all forms of civilization. Sounds like a blast.