Rebaching Season 23 Episode 2

As my eight pages of notes for this episode can attest, we are two episodes into this season and several woman have already packed their bags and left, taking my sanity along with it. The very nanosecond we were forced to watch Colton washing himself in the same shower yet again, my very last brain cell curled into the fetal position and asked for another glass of wine. 

The episode opens with Colton vlogging in bed. I hope this is not a glimpse into our future, where Colton chooses Hannah G. only to get sucked into her vaguely ominous career of "Social Media Influencer." Meanwhile, the women who managed to survive night one somehow look alive enough to drink mimosas and announce their immediate attraction to Colton in front of his twenty other girlfriends. 

Chris Harrison makes his biweekly jog over to the mansion to deliver the first date card, which includes the names for the first group date and an ominous message about how "you never forget your first." Weird. At this point, I'm still struggling to recognize who is who, so the most notable (read: recognizable) attendants are Demi (Embezzlement Mom), Tracy (she's wearing a hat), and Hannah G. (who got the First Impression rose but whose hair is also ... weirdly tall? Picture Gretchen Weiners here saying "It's full of secrets!")

Turns out the date is bussing all the women to an empty theater so that they can listen to the world's most iconic married couple, Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally, give very sexually explicit first time stories. Cut to every single woman having a diary interview where they say there was a lot of sexual innuendos. Cut back to every other word that comes out of Megan's mouth getting censored. The cinematography is a work of art. Afterwards, the women are informed that they will be telling their own stories about a notable first time in front of a live audience. I have contemplated moving to LA for the explicit purpose of getting to attend these weird, aggressively non-romantic Bachelor live shows. The stories happen in this order:

• Colton, talking about the first time he told a fellow football player he was a virgin. Apparently, the guy's reaction was "wow man, that's really cool." That sounds totally natural and definitely the way people talk.
• Elyse, who talks about how this is her first time dating a younger man.
• Nicole, who does a slightly worse version of this by saying Colton is the first man she's dated who is not from Miami.
• Hannah G., who talks about her first time getting the First Impression rose. I feel like she maybe didn't understand the exercise.
• Bri, who talks about the first time she felt comfortable in her own skin. It sounds like it was probably really heartfelt, but Fake Australian never gets any screen time so we see none of it.
• Onyeka, who talks about the first time she called out fake bitches. She is alluding to last night when she called out Catherine, but I have a very strong feeling that this was not, in fact, the first time she had that kind of smackdown.
• Catherine, who spends her time as a rebuttle to Onyeka. Really?
• Tracy, who talks about the first time she dated a virgin. Apparently she got punched out by another girl, but absolutely everyone misconstrues this into thinking she a menace with those fists and will beat them all to a pulp over Colton.
• Demi, who says something along the lines of "first time going for what she wants." It was just a thinly veiled story to justify her coming into the crowd to kiss Colton in front of everyone. Then, without even hearing his thoughts on the matter, she tells the camera men she will be getting that group date rose.

The cocktail party is dominated by Demi getting progressively drunker and more antagonistic towards Tracy, who does not take this well. Another reason I would do well on this show: I can identify when someone is gunning for a Paradise spot from a mile away. Demi perfectly fits the bill. I'm sure her antics are at least partially fueled by her insane personality, but the girl does know how to get attention. She makes out with Colton, announces that she is a strong woman who isn't worried about the other girls, and then stares at everyone across the lip of the couch. 

Demi (above) is essentially like a drunk blonde toddler, but at least she knows her brand and sticks to it.

In a stunning turn of events, Elyse gets the rose instead of Demi. Her talk with Colton was her saying how she thought life experience was more important than age, and then him super digging it and using his tongue full-force. The worst part of this show is how the sound mixer wants to make sure you can hear the tonsil hockey from four rooms away. 

We now move on the coveted one-on-one of this episode, which goes to Miss Alabama Hannah B. She seems convinced that she got the date since its her birthday, and asked him three times if he knew it was her birthday when he makes it abundantly clear he did not factor this into choosing her for the date. They ride horses for a while and gallop up to a hot tub in the wilderness, helping us meet our quota for the season. First, though, they have to drink champagne while Hannah B. panics at the premise of having to think of literally any word that could go in a toast. She can't even remember the word for toast. Anyway, time to get almost naked and continue to not talk some more!

Because every preview for this date has made it seem like Hannah B. isn't going to get the rose, it's pretty clear she's probably going to have some turning point over dinner and get the rose. This turning point comes through her admitting that she feels bad for losing her virginity before marriage and now I want to hold her face in my hands and tell her, Hannah to Hannah, that it's a toxic mindset and she should probably go talk to a therapist about that instead of using it to seduce a 26-year-old former football player on TV. She gets the rose and we can move on to the final group date, Camp Bachelor.

The Camp Bachelor date attendants in their Very Sport Gear, which includes mardi gras beads.

The celebrity host for this date is Billy Eichner, who openly pesters Colton while being forced to watch these women compete badly at camp-themed sports to earn the chance for an overnight with Colton. Red team ultimately wins, which means everyone on the yellow team is now out for blood and we get to witness Crazy Eyed Heather telling Colton that she's never been kissed. She's really happy that Colton seems receptive until he shooes her away without stealing her kissing virginity. I for one would have been sure to kiss enough people to practice before kissing someone in front of multiple cameras, but that's just me. 

At this point, I start to get nervous. There's half an hour left and we have yet to see Demi in a bathrobe like all the previews have promised. If they throw us off our one rose ceremony per episode trajectory now, we'll be screwed for the rest of the season. Thankfully, all Demi wanted to do was rile the other girls up and give Colton a back massage. Doesn't she know all the other girls are losing their collective mind? Onyeka, who is quickly becoming one of my least favorites, steals Colton using a bullhorn and Sydney steals him back by banging a pans together. Tracy runs off to cry now that the she-demon Demi has stolen Colton, which is only a little bit sad considering she didn't delete any of her racist tweets before joining the show and now she has absolutely no redeeming qualities left. After going to console the irate Tracy, Demi goes back downstairs. It looks like she starts drinking from a glass full of melon slices, but I honestly might have been hallucinating.

Because Demi could way less screen time than anticipated (while still more than anyone else) they were able to squeeze in the rose ceremony. Elyse, Hannah B., and No Kiss Heather all have roses so the rest go to:

• Tayshia - whomst?
• Cassie - "great communicator"
• Caelynn - Miss North Carolina
• Courtney - from her one interaction with Colton I am going to tentatively say I like her
• Demi - she was "thrilled" to receive the rose
• Nicole - Miami
• Kirpa - teeth
• Hannah G. - calling it now, he's going to pick her and we're going to be forced to watch him vlog
• Catherine - surprisingly not the villain 
• Bri - fake Australian
• Sydney - pans
• Onyeka - bullhorn
• Katie - was on the camp date
• Caitlin - I think last week she wore a jumpsuit and has done nothing memorable since
• Nina - Croatian
• Tracy - would have thrown a fit if Demi was picked over her

This means the people leaving us are Alex with no voice, some girl who blatantly told Colton she didn't want kids, Annie, and Angelique, who was wearing a dress I currently have in my closet. Maybe my luck on the Bachelor wouldn't be that great after all. 

I pretty much tuned out immediately after the rose ceremony ended so guess next week is going to be a completely surprise. See y'all then.