Rebaching Season 23 Episode 4
It's four minutes into this week's episode and it already cannot be topped in unintentional humor. Thirty seconds after every woman in the house lost her mind about going to Singapore, Hannah G. asked "where even is that?" Hannah G. may be as dumb as a sack of bricks, but whoever is editing the show has given her some killer comedic timing. Chris Harrison tells them they're leaving in an hour despite the fact that they're all in their pajamas, but by virtue of movie magic we are magically transported to Singapore where the fifteen remaining contestants are in full glam, waiting for the date card.
This is when Hannah B. chooses to tell us that she's worried Caelynn will get a date card, because she "knows what happens on those one-on-ones." What happens, Hannah? You sit emotionless in a hot tub and bring up virginity for the nine hundredth time? Because I can guarantee that is not as common an experience as you would think. Some people can smile without also having dagger eyes.
The first one-on-one of the week goes to Tayshia, and just says "let's fall in love." Honestly, they are getting so lazy with coming up with cute date clues. That's just a commonly used phrase. Tayshia is convinced that since they're on a beach it's going to be something related to waterfalls, even though there is a giant bungee jumping stand like, twenty feet away. When he points it out, she naturally starts freaking out. She also steps into the ocean with her shoes on, which is weird. Colton brings up the fact that being in love means doing things you're afraid of, which means the producers forced Colton to bungee jump and he has to play it off as a metaphor. Tayshia and Colton spend approximately ten minutes hyping themselves up while waddling around in the special foam ankle guards, so it's a little hard to take them seriously. They both jump, then make out in the ocean at sunset. It is at this moment that it occurs to me that someone has to film them making out in the ocean at sunset.
When it comes time for Tayshia to open up over the dinner they aren't going to eat, she tells Colton that she used to be married. I am shocked. This is unprecedented. I had no idea that Tayshia was divorced, and usually the divorced contestant has to bring it up a minimum of three times per episode. Colton thanks her, she gets the rose, its all pretty standard from here.
Next up, we have the absolutely enormous mess of a group date. Thirteen people's names were on the date guard, leaving only Caelynn behind. Hannah B. is furious, as if she didn't already get a one-on-one and has somehow never watched this show enough to realize private dates ain't easy to come by. Cassie, Katie, Sydney, Hannah G., Hannah B., Onyeka, Elyse, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Nicole, and Kirpa are all invited to experience the street markets of Singapore with Colton. I'm not going to lie, remembering who was on this date was a struggle because almost immediately the emphasis was on the key players - Demi, who was being her usual self and for some reason Courtney is surprised, Hannah B., who demands attention at all times, and Cassie, who keeps casually reappearing so she must be important. Demi immediately claws her way onto Colton's back, and the only time we see her not latched on to him like a baby monkey is when he and Cassie get told they were siblings in a past life. Romantic.
Don't everyone get mad at me at once, but for once in my life I ended up on Demi's side. The cocktail party is going smoothly for everyone but Courtney, who, despite being the woman with the worst relationship with Colton, is complaining about the fact that he hasn't come to take her away himself, instead of her having to go up to him. Girl, not only are you a strong independent woman, but you are on The Bachelor. You are asking for the impossible. Demi spends a really long time hyping her up before deciding its a lost cause and going to tell Colton about Embezzlement Mom. Since when she comes back Courtney is moping, she decides to go back for seconds. Courtney is furious. She tells Demi that she has no class and lacks maturity. She's not totally wrong, but for some reason expects people to suddenly be okay with being insulted to their face and not fight back. Despite the spat, Demi gets the group date rose for shedding a tear over a convicted felon.
Caelynn is whisked away by a butler for her one-on-one date the next day, and Hannah B. wastes no time in talking about how she's going to love being pampered, that selfish bitch. How dare she like nice things like the rest of us. The date pretty much consists of Caelynn trying something on, looking like a model, and Colton telling her that they will be dipping into The Bachelorette budget to buy it.
The realest moment of this entire franchise came when Caelynn told Colton about how she was drugged and raped during her sophomore year of college. She made it a point to mention how two of the perpetrators of the crime faced no consequences, and her strength blows me away. Colton clearly feels the same way, and comforts her by saying that a contributing factor to his virginity was how his former girlfriend was a victim of sexual abuse. While I think this was an important moment for television and the franchise, it's hard to not think about the lack of backgrounds checks on the last season of The Bachelorette. Caelynn gets the rose because if she didn't I would riot.
This leads us into the final cocktail party, where the bridge is mended between Caelynn and Hannah B. - most likely because all the screen time needs to be dedicated to the dramatic conclusion of Courtney and Demi's feud. Since they never really resolved anything last time, just insulted each other, the two get right back at it. Demi, in typical Demi fashion, is extremely dramatic and tells Colton that Courtney is a "cancer" in the house before steamrolling into what she actually wanted to talk about. Colton looks concerned, naturally, but when he brings it up to Courtney she goes into a full tirade and his expression changes to fright. I think he's having flashbacks to last week.
Without further ado, here is who received roses this week in addition to Tayshia, Demi, and Caelynn:
This is when Hannah B. chooses to tell us that she's worried Caelynn will get a date card, because she "knows what happens on those one-on-ones." What happens, Hannah? You sit emotionless in a hot tub and bring up virginity for the nine hundredth time? Because I can guarantee that is not as common an experience as you would think. Some people can smile without also having dagger eyes.
The first one-on-one of the week goes to Tayshia, and just says "let's fall in love." Honestly, they are getting so lazy with coming up with cute date clues. That's just a commonly used phrase. Tayshia is convinced that since they're on a beach it's going to be something related to waterfalls, even though there is a giant bungee jumping stand like, twenty feet away. When he points it out, she naturally starts freaking out. She also steps into the ocean with her shoes on, which is weird. Colton brings up the fact that being in love means doing things you're afraid of, which means the producers forced Colton to bungee jump and he has to play it off as a metaphor. Tayshia and Colton spend approximately ten minutes hyping themselves up while waddling around in the special foam ankle guards, so it's a little hard to take them seriously. They both jump, then make out in the ocean at sunset. It is at this moment that it occurs to me that someone has to film them making out in the ocean at sunset.
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| It's a bird, it's a plane, it's someone flying to their death while attached to a string by a single piece of taped foam! |
When it comes time for Tayshia to open up over the dinner they aren't going to eat, she tells Colton that she used to be married. I am shocked. This is unprecedented. I had no idea that Tayshia was divorced, and usually the divorced contestant has to bring it up a minimum of three times per episode. Colton thanks her, she gets the rose, its all pretty standard from here.
Next up, we have the absolutely enormous mess of a group date. Thirteen people's names were on the date guard, leaving only Caelynn behind. Hannah B. is furious, as if she didn't already get a one-on-one and has somehow never watched this show enough to realize private dates ain't easy to come by. Cassie, Katie, Sydney, Hannah G., Hannah B., Onyeka, Elyse, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Nicole, and Kirpa are all invited to experience the street markets of Singapore with Colton. I'm not going to lie, remembering who was on this date was a struggle because almost immediately the emphasis was on the key players - Demi, who was being her usual self and for some reason Courtney is surprised, Hannah B., who demands attention at all times, and Cassie, who keeps casually reappearing so she must be important. Demi immediately claws her way onto Colton's back, and the only time we see her not latched on to him like a baby monkey is when he and Cassie get told they were siblings in a past life. Romantic.
Don't everyone get mad at me at once, but for once in my life I ended up on Demi's side. The cocktail party is going smoothly for everyone but Courtney, who, despite being the woman with the worst relationship with Colton, is complaining about the fact that he hasn't come to take her away himself, instead of her having to go up to him. Girl, not only are you a strong independent woman, but you are on The Bachelor. You are asking for the impossible. Demi spends a really long time hyping her up before deciding its a lost cause and going to tell Colton about Embezzlement Mom. Since when she comes back Courtney is moping, she decides to go back for seconds. Courtney is furious. She tells Demi that she has no class and lacks maturity. She's not totally wrong, but for some reason expects people to suddenly be okay with being insulted to their face and not fight back. Despite the spat, Demi gets the group date rose for shedding a tear over a convicted felon.
Caelynn is whisked away by a butler for her one-on-one date the next day, and Hannah B. wastes no time in talking about how she's going to love being pampered, that selfish bitch. How dare she like nice things like the rest of us. The date pretty much consists of Caelynn trying something on, looking like a model, and Colton telling her that they will be dipping into The Bachelorette budget to buy it.
The realest moment of this entire franchise came when Caelynn told Colton about how she was drugged and raped during her sophomore year of college. She made it a point to mention how two of the perpetrators of the crime faced no consequences, and her strength blows me away. Colton clearly feels the same way, and comforts her by saying that a contributing factor to his virginity was how his former girlfriend was a victim of sexual abuse. While I think this was an important moment for television and the franchise, it's hard to not think about the lack of backgrounds checks on the last season of The Bachelorette. Caelynn gets the rose because if she didn't I would riot.
This leads us into the final cocktail party, where the bridge is mended between Caelynn and Hannah B. - most likely because all the screen time needs to be dedicated to the dramatic conclusion of Courtney and Demi's feud. Since they never really resolved anything last time, just insulted each other, the two get right back at it. Demi, in typical Demi fashion, is extremely dramatic and tells Colton that Courtney is a "cancer" in the house before steamrolling into what she actually wanted to talk about. Colton looks concerned, naturally, but when he brings it up to Courtney she goes into a full tirade and his expression changes to fright. I think he's having flashbacks to last week.
Without further ado, here is who received roses this week in addition to Tayshia, Demi, and Caelynn:
- Hannah G. - smallest voice in the world but straddled Colton on his perfectly made bed
- Heather - according to previews, still hasn't been kissed
- Kirpa - only words spoken this episode were to tell Courtney to go suck it up and talk to Colton
- Hannah B. - scary smile hot tub demon
- Katie - where was she this whole time?
- Elyse - my angel, my queen
- Sydney - only screen time was to wrap up his leech arm
- Cassie - sister
- Nicole - wanted the shopping date
- Onyeka - not Courtney, which is why she got to stay
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