Rebaching Season 23 Episode 5
We are officially 50% done with Colton's journey and I am 100% sick of the drama. There are too many floaters left. Just crank out some rose ceremonies, I know for a fact after this episode that Onyeka isn't wife material.
The ladies arrive in Thailand and a band-aid mysteriously arrives on Kirpa's chin. It remains unaddressed for the rest of the episode, because, apparently, not even minor accidents are enough to earn her more than five minutes of screen time.
A date card arrives telling us that Heather is the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one. The next twenty minutes are entirely dedicated to real-time Heather repeating everything Colton says, and internal Heather monologue-ing about her passionate desire to lock lips for the first time. As they wander through a Thai island market, it becomes impossible for her to stand at more than a 45 degree angle. She leans on Colton like she has been wounded on the field of battle and needs to be escorted back to base camp. It is at this point that I once again become distracted by Heather's alarmingly long hair. To really hit home the fact that Heather wants those lips, we have to watch Colton eating in extreme close up. He starts feeding her noodles. I am uncomfortable.
When it comes time for the dinner portion of the date, Heather opens up about her status of never been kissed. Apparently she dated someone for 8 months without him ever trying to kiss her or her trying to kiss him. I am ... skeptical. Not that they actually kissed, but that they were in some sort of platonic friendship that Heather misconstrued. Heather isn't the brightest bulb in the box, as proven by the fact that she is completely surprised when fireworks go off on the beach despite Colton's very not subtle clues. They kiss and Heather loses the one thing that makes her special in this franchise.
Meanwhile, Elyse is losing her goddamn mind. She spends the whole first day sitting on a futon staring out into the ocean, soliloquizing about the fact that she should have gotten a second one-on-one. Has she ever seen this show? When Heather returns with the rose, Elyse stands up, already in full glam, to go confront Colton. Elyse, while making some valid points about not being able to accept a proposal after a few weeks, is mostly just acting vague and weird and keeps saying that she doesn't want to leave but has to leave but doesn't want to. Anyway, she leaves saying that she's making a huge mistake, but leaves anyway. Elyse is sane, but confusing.
For some reason, this shakes Colton to his core, as if this does not make his job 1/13th easier. There's one less person to eliminate if she eliminates herself.
On to the group date, which everyone is attending except for Cassie. Colton marches them into the jungle to learn survival skills, which mostly consists of hacking down some bamboo, eating grubs, and holding snakes. They are divided into three groups to go out and fetch food and water, with only one group assigned to help Colton. Tayshia all sneaky like and sends the two other girls to go get food while she and Colton look for water, then proceeds to make out with him in plain view. A bold move, but I guess this is the real survival skill. While two of the groups look for actual supplies in the jungle, Hannah B., Hannah G., and Demi hitch a ride to the nearest hotel and grab some burgers and champagne. If I had just spent an hour looking for worms to eat I would be pissed at the gall of these girls, but Colton looks at them like he hasn't seen a burger in months.
During this cocktail party we see some bold moves being made. Tayshia once again asserts her dominance and Hannah B. gives Colton the first "I'm falling in love with you" of the season. She has opened the floodgates. Meanwhile, Onyeka pulls Demi aside to get some advice. Let me tell you right now, Demi is the type of person you go to if you know full well something is a bad idea but want validation anyway. She tells Demi that before Elyse left, she told her something that Nicole said and Onyeka has made the executive decision that Colton needs to know. She marches right up there to tell him that Nicole is using him to get out of Miami, which, as far as scandals go, isn't that bad. People have had secret boyfriends on this show before, Onyeka. Anyway, Colton brings it up to Nicole and she cries, thus ushering in the Onyeka/Nicole feud that will dominate the last half hour of this episode. As the appetizer to the fighting that will enfold later, we see Tayshia inform Onyeka that she was there for the conversation in question and Nicole never said the damn thing. Of course.
Before we can see part two, however, we need to see Cassie and Colton make out on a boat, a deserted island, and in Colton's bed. I'm sure they've spoken full sentences to each other before, but that wasn't given any screen time. Colton's passionate desire and two aggressive butt grabs, however, are important to the show, apparently. I really have nothing else to say about this date other than the fact that Cassie may be the winner. Lauren Burnham didn't get any screen time until halfway through either, and at least Cassie was able to string together some cohesive thoughts when it was time to open up to Colton about her fear of being judged after coming home from filming. Colton ends the night by telling Cassie he's "crazy about her," which is as close as a Bachelor lead can possibly say to "I'm keeping you at least until Fantasy Suites."
The week's final cocktail party begins as all do - a montage of all the wonderful and perfect conversations Colton is having to make the ensuing drama even more dramatic. Nicole gets to talk to Colton first, and tearfully tells him that she came here for love. She probably could have saved herself if she didn't throw in that Onyeka bullied her, which, even if it is true, is the final nail in anyone's coffin. Because, obviously, Colton goes to tell Onyeka and then Onyeka proceeds to scream at Nicole so loudly that everyone can hear it. When Colton tries to come figure out what's going on, the screaming continues and he stalks off. Cut to the "to be continued."
We might be getting two rose ceremonies next week folks, as well as a fair amount of tears from everyone you thought was safe. Should be exciting.
The ladies arrive in Thailand and a band-aid mysteriously arrives on Kirpa's chin. It remains unaddressed for the rest of the episode, because, apparently, not even minor accidents are enough to earn her more than five minutes of screen time.
A date card arrives telling us that Heather is the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one. The next twenty minutes are entirely dedicated to real-time Heather repeating everything Colton says, and internal Heather monologue-ing about her passionate desire to lock lips for the first time. As they wander through a Thai island market, it becomes impossible for her to stand at more than a 45 degree angle. She leans on Colton like she has been wounded on the field of battle and needs to be escorted back to base camp. It is at this point that I once again become distracted by Heather's alarmingly long hair. To really hit home the fact that Heather wants those lips, we have to watch Colton eating in extreme close up. He starts feeding her noodles. I am uncomfortable.
 |
| Heather gives me weird energy. Bring me some sage so I can cleanse my laptop screen after this one-on-one date. |
When it comes time for the dinner portion of the date, Heather opens up about her status of never been kissed. Apparently she dated someone for 8 months without him ever trying to kiss her or her trying to kiss him. I am ... skeptical. Not that they actually kissed, but that they were in some sort of platonic friendship that Heather misconstrued. Heather isn't the brightest bulb in the box, as proven by the fact that she is completely surprised when fireworks go off on the beach despite Colton's very not subtle clues. They kiss and Heather loses the one thing that makes her special in this franchise.
Meanwhile, Elyse is losing her goddamn mind. She spends the whole first day sitting on a futon staring out into the ocean, soliloquizing about the fact that she should have gotten a second one-on-one. Has she ever seen this show? When Heather returns with the rose, Elyse stands up, already in full glam, to go confront Colton. Elyse, while making some valid points about not being able to accept a proposal after a few weeks, is mostly just acting vague and weird and keeps saying that she doesn't want to leave but has to leave but doesn't want to. Anyway, she leaves saying that she's making a huge mistake, but leaves anyway. Elyse is sane, but confusing.
 |
| Oh, to be two weeks younger and on the one-on-one date. |
For some reason, this shakes Colton to his core, as if this does not make his job 1/13th easier. There's one less person to eliminate if she eliminates herself.
On to the group date, which everyone is attending except for Cassie. Colton marches them into the jungle to learn survival skills, which mostly consists of hacking down some bamboo, eating grubs, and holding snakes. They are divided into three groups to go out and fetch food and water, with only one group assigned to help Colton. Tayshia all sneaky like and sends the two other girls to go get food while she and Colton look for water, then proceeds to make out with him in plain view. A bold move, but I guess this is the real survival skill. While two of the groups look for actual supplies in the jungle, Hannah B., Hannah G., and Demi hitch a ride to the nearest hotel and grab some burgers and champagne. If I had just spent an hour looking for worms to eat I would be pissed at the gall of these girls, but Colton looks at them like he hasn't seen a burger in months.
During this cocktail party we see some bold moves being made. Tayshia once again asserts her dominance and Hannah B. gives Colton the first "I'm falling in love with you" of the season. She has opened the floodgates. Meanwhile, Onyeka pulls Demi aside to get some advice. Let me tell you right now, Demi is the type of person you go to if you know full well something is a bad idea but want validation anyway. She tells Demi that before Elyse left, she told her something that Nicole said and Onyeka has made the executive decision that Colton needs to know. She marches right up there to tell him that Nicole is using him to get out of Miami, which, as far as scandals go, isn't that bad. People have had secret boyfriends on this show before, Onyeka. Anyway, Colton brings it up to Nicole and she cries, thus ushering in the Onyeka/Nicole feud that will dominate the last half hour of this episode. As the appetizer to the fighting that will enfold later, we see Tayshia inform Onyeka that she was there for the conversation in question and Nicole never said the damn thing. Of course.
Before we can see part two, however, we need to see Cassie and Colton make out on a boat, a deserted island, and in Colton's bed. I'm sure they've spoken full sentences to each other before, but that wasn't given any screen time. Colton's passionate desire and two aggressive butt grabs, however, are important to the show, apparently. I really have nothing else to say about this date other than the fact that Cassie may be the winner. Lauren Burnham didn't get any screen time until halfway through either, and at least Cassie was able to string together some cohesive thoughts when it was time to open up to Colton about her fear of being judged after coming home from filming. Colton ends the night by telling Cassie he's "crazy about her," which is as close as a Bachelor lead can possibly say to "I'm keeping you at least until Fantasy Suites."
The week's final cocktail party begins as all do - a montage of all the wonderful and perfect conversations Colton is having to make the ensuing drama even more dramatic. Nicole gets to talk to Colton first, and tearfully tells him that she came here for love. She probably could have saved herself if she didn't throw in that Onyeka bullied her, which, even if it is true, is the final nail in anyone's coffin. Because, obviously, Colton goes to tell Onyeka and then Onyeka proceeds to scream at Nicole so loudly that everyone can hear it. When Colton tries to come figure out what's going on, the screaming continues and he stalks off. Cut to the "to be continued."
We might be getting two rose ceremonies next week folks, as well as a fair amount of tears from everyone you thought was safe. Should be exciting.
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