Rebaching Season 23 Episode 7
Turns out last week's bloodbath was only a hint of what was to come. With seven girls left and only four moving on to Hometowns, it was time for the claws to come out and for every remaining contestant to be portrayed in the worst possible light. Thanks, editors, for reminding me that we haven't seen anyone's personality because its just being pretty and mean and wanting to drink a margarita.
In preparation for next week's Hometown Dates, Colton brings the remaining women to his own hometown of Denver, CO. For some reason, he needs to hype himself up by getting advice from the Bachelor's whose engagement didn't work out, Ben Higgins. Ben Higgins is not helpful.
Colton approaches the women while walking his dog proving, yes, anyone can seem more appealing while in the presence of an elderly black lab. Most of the girls are looking fall chic in some sweaters, but no one passed this memo along to Hannah B., who shows up in a sheer shirt and a leather jacket. No one could tell her in advance that she might be meeting someone's parents? No? Okay.
Colton informs the women that the first date of the week starts right then and there, so he sweeps Tayshia off her feet for a "typical day in Denver." This phrase is synonymous with "wine tasting." After a long day of drinking fermented beverages, they go out to get more fermented beverages so Colton can try to pry the truth out of a more than willing Tayshia. She immediately throws Caelynn and Cassie under the bus as the girls who aren't ready for marriage. Even though the producers have been sure to throw in every one of her catty remarks towards Caelynn for the rest of the episode, it's clear her story is probably the closest to the truth. Those two have been on the defensive even before contestants started leaving Colton cryptic messages about them. I mean, he's still probably going to pick one of them, so at least their plotting is amounting to something.
Colton brings her back to his apartment to cook some food they inevitably won't eat, and she excitedly announces that she could see herself doing this for the rest of her life. Cooking is a necessity of life, Tayshia. No matter who you marry, you will be required to obtain sustenance. Just need to make that clear.
Since giving Tayshia this rose will secure her a place in the final four, Colton tries to get the low-down on her family. Her dad sounds like a real stick in the mud, and by stick in the mud I mean a normal person who doesn't want his daughter marrying some virgin she met on TV. Not even the promise of a hard-ass dad is enough to stop Colton, however, since he gives her the rose and lets her put on his jersey.
Caelynn receives the second one-on-one of the week, and Colton wastes no time ratting her out. Tears ensue. Colton acts as though he was not expecting her to cry when he confronted her, that instead she would throw some jazz hands and go "you got me!" or something. They snowboard and its awkward, then sit in a cabin in their winter coats and its awkward, the whole thing is awkward because you know she's going to stay. She's just too pretty. They've made out too much for her to possibly go home now. She sheds enough tears to convince Colton that she is truly falling for him, so in return she receives the second rose and the first "I'm falling in love with you too" of the season and episode.
Caelynn returns to the hotel thirsty for blood. She and Tayshia put on their best game faces and go back and forth for a while, only for their drama to remain criminally unresolved. I guess there's no sensical conclusion to the drama since we don't know who's telling the truth, but my money's on Tayshia since she seems fractionally less bitchy and slightly more logical. I guess they're just going to go back to stewing and start brushing their teeth next to each other in silence now.
The third one-on-one goes to Hannah B., meaning Cassie, Kirpa, Heather, and Hannah G. will be attending the group date at the end of the episode. Hannah B., as a reward for being the one to break the "I'm falling for you" seal, gets to meet Colton's parents. Their conversations are so standard I can't even remember what they said. Trust your appendix, or something. Your gut, maybe? Colton's gut was telling him to get rid of Hannah B., since he brings her to dinner in an airport and promptly tells her that he isn't feeling it. She's pissed. Can you blame her? Caelynn beat her.
Hannah B.'s departure means there are two roses for the group date, and, more importantly, that I can finally spot using initials to refer to the people with my own goddamn name. In typical "there's going to be a showdown" fashion, this group date is to the most murder-y location possible for Denver. On top of a mountain, with only an old fashioned trolley to get down. Heather pulls Colton aside first to tell him he isn't a good enough kisser to justify bringing him home to her parents, which makes me wonder why she bothered going up the mountain in the suspicious trolley in the first place.
The rest of the date is pretty much dedicated to the aftermath of Tayshia throwing Cassie's name into the mix. Colton confronts her, obviously, and she starts crying, obviously, and since Colton can't decide to forgive her too quickly we have to wait until the dinner for the decision to be unveiled. That leaves just enough time for Cassie to absolutely come for Kirpa's life while Hannah sits there silently.
When its time to hand out the roses, Colton immediately hands one to Hannah and she is free to go. This is the two-on-one we had been missing all season, folks. As they stare each other down, Caelynn inserts herself into Not Her Business by arriving unannounced to talk to Colton. We only see snippets of their conversation, but its enough for Cassie to receive the rose over Kirpa and for Kirpa to hopefully extricate herself from his mess once and for all.
Only one question remains: where was my fence jump?! I was promised a fence jump! Only time will tell if next week will finally be the time I see Colton vault himself over a wall to get away from the Hot Mess Express.
In preparation for next week's Hometown Dates, Colton brings the remaining women to his own hometown of Denver, CO. For some reason, he needs to hype himself up by getting advice from the Bachelor's whose engagement didn't work out, Ben Higgins. Ben Higgins is not helpful.
Colton approaches the women while walking his dog proving, yes, anyone can seem more appealing while in the presence of an elderly black lab. Most of the girls are looking fall chic in some sweaters, but no one passed this memo along to Hannah B., who shows up in a sheer shirt and a leather jacket. No one could tell her in advance that she might be meeting someone's parents? No? Okay.
Colton informs the women that the first date of the week starts right then and there, so he sweeps Tayshia off her feet for a "typical day in Denver." This phrase is synonymous with "wine tasting." After a long day of drinking fermented beverages, they go out to get more fermented beverages so Colton can try to pry the truth out of a more than willing Tayshia. She immediately throws Caelynn and Cassie under the bus as the girls who aren't ready for marriage. Even though the producers have been sure to throw in every one of her catty remarks towards Caelynn for the rest of the episode, it's clear her story is probably the closest to the truth. Those two have been on the defensive even before contestants started leaving Colton cryptic messages about them. I mean, he's still probably going to pick one of them, so at least their plotting is amounting to something.
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| Cassie calculating how many tears she needs to shed to get a Hometown rose. |
Colton brings her back to his apartment to cook some food they inevitably won't eat, and she excitedly announces that she could see herself doing this for the rest of her life. Cooking is a necessity of life, Tayshia. No matter who you marry, you will be required to obtain sustenance. Just need to make that clear.
Since giving Tayshia this rose will secure her a place in the final four, Colton tries to get the low-down on her family. Her dad sounds like a real stick in the mud, and by stick in the mud I mean a normal person who doesn't want his daughter marrying some virgin she met on TV. Not even the promise of a hard-ass dad is enough to stop Colton, however, since he gives her the rose and lets her put on his jersey.
Caelynn receives the second one-on-one of the week, and Colton wastes no time ratting her out. Tears ensue. Colton acts as though he was not expecting her to cry when he confronted her, that instead she would throw some jazz hands and go "you got me!" or something. They snowboard and its awkward, then sit in a cabin in their winter coats and its awkward, the whole thing is awkward because you know she's going to stay. She's just too pretty. They've made out too much for her to possibly go home now. She sheds enough tears to convince Colton that she is truly falling for him, so in return she receives the second rose and the first "I'm falling in love with you too" of the season and episode.
Caelynn returns to the hotel thirsty for blood. She and Tayshia put on their best game faces and go back and forth for a while, only for their drama to remain criminally unresolved. I guess there's no sensical conclusion to the drama since we don't know who's telling the truth, but my money's on Tayshia since she seems fractionally less bitchy and slightly more logical. I guess they're just going to go back to stewing and start brushing their teeth next to each other in silence now.
 |
| Someone finally told Hannah B. that sweaters are the vibe for this episode. |
The third one-on-one goes to Hannah B., meaning Cassie, Kirpa, Heather, and Hannah G. will be attending the group date at the end of the episode. Hannah B., as a reward for being the one to break the "I'm falling for you" seal, gets to meet Colton's parents. Their conversations are so standard I can't even remember what they said. Trust your appendix, or something. Your gut, maybe? Colton's gut was telling him to get rid of Hannah B., since he brings her to dinner in an airport and promptly tells her that he isn't feeling it. She's pissed. Can you blame her? Caelynn beat her.
Hannah B.'s departure means there are two roses for the group date, and, more importantly, that I can finally spot using initials to refer to the people with my own goddamn name. In typical "there's going to be a showdown" fashion, this group date is to the most murder-y location possible for Denver. On top of a mountain, with only an old fashioned trolley to get down. Heather pulls Colton aside first to tell him he isn't a good enough kisser to justify bringing him home to her parents, which makes me wonder why she bothered going up the mountain in the suspicious trolley in the first place.
The rest of the date is pretty much dedicated to the aftermath of Tayshia throwing Cassie's name into the mix. Colton confronts her, obviously, and she starts crying, obviously, and since Colton can't decide to forgive her too quickly we have to wait until the dinner for the decision to be unveiled. That leaves just enough time for Cassie to absolutely come for Kirpa's life while Hannah sits there silently.
When its time to hand out the roses, Colton immediately hands one to Hannah and she is free to go. This is the two-on-one we had been missing all season, folks. As they stare each other down, Caelynn inserts herself into Not Her Business by arriving unannounced to talk to Colton. We only see snippets of their conversation, but its enough for Cassie to receive the rose over Kirpa and for Kirpa to hopefully extricate herself from his mess once and for all.
Only one question remains: where was my fence jump?! I was promised a fence jump! Only time will tell if next week will finally be the time I see Colton vault himself over a wall to get away from the Hot Mess Express.
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