Rebaching Season 23 Finale
This rebach is probably going to be short and sweet. Not because I have a lack of things to say, but because so little happened over the course of these last four hours that I feel jipped.
While last week we got our fence jump, a significant amount of time was spent on Monday to rehashing the same footage and its immediate consequences, i.e. Chris Harrison whistling out into the Portuguese wilderness like Colton is some kind of lost dog. Producers are hopping into vans and driving down every street looking for Colton, and while it's made out to be a significant amount of time before he is located, it is more likely to be a solid fifteen minutes. A woman finally lures him into a car to drive back to the hotel, and he pouts at the prospect of having to finish the show. Me too, man.
The next morning, Chris Harrison pays Colton a visit. In this moment of truth, Colton tells Chris that he stands by the decision he made last night. He's done. He regrets jumping the fence because Tayshia and Hannah deserve to know why he's leaving, which, as far as Bachelor antics go, is pretty not shitty of him. Last year we were subjected to Arie calling in a camera crew specifically for him to break up with Becca, so things could be worse.
Colton goes to see Tayshia first, and you can tell she knows something is up. They already had their one-on-one date, and she's smart enough to know this doesn't spell out good news. This hypothesis is furthered by the fact that Colton immediately bursts into tears and she needs to console him. He tells her that he can't love two people and that he loves Cassie, which, while incredibly blunt, leaves out the key fact that Cassie has already noped the hell out of her relationship. They go inside to cry some more, the microphones picking up every sob, before Colton leaves Tayshia to comfort herself since he isn't doing that good a job anyway.
Back at the live finale show, Chris Harrison brings out Tayshia to get some final closure with Colton. She looks amazing, probably because she finally realized she's too good for this show and too smart for this man. Tayshia is going to be fine without Colton.
Hannah G., however, has yet to have a lackluster Fantasy Suite date and is still very much looking forward to it. Colton comes to her room while she's journaling, and it takes her significantly longer to realize that something is up. She's so overwhelmed with emotion that she blurts out that she's in love with him before he can say that he's already chosen Cassie and that she has to leave. More tears are shed. When he finally leaves, he stops in the hallway outside her hotel room to lean on a pillar and sob some more. A producer comes out to hug him. This poor guy is a mess, but you can kind of tell that the production team is having a field day since this is going to make such great TV.
Hannah G. comes out for her closure interview, but she is in infinitely worse shape than Tayshia. When Colton comes out, she tells him that what Cassie did to him, he did to her. True, but it's literally written into his job description. He is allowed to break up with you whenever he sees fit, and you signed up for him to do that. Would you rather be shuffled into a van after not receiving a flower from him in an impersonal ceremony? While wearing a ball gown? That was the alternative.
It's at around this point that they cut off night one, making us wait until the following day to find out if Cassie takes Colton back. Surprise, she does. It doesn't need to take up another two hours of my life, but, somehow, it does. Because, see, when she agrees to take things 'day by day' with him she is also inadvertently helping the Bachelor franchise not lose their deposit on some swanky hotel rooms in Spain. Colton drags her to meet his family and Cassie understandably gets freaked out since less than twenty-four hours ago she broke up with him. Oh, and he told them that, so now four different parents have a bone to pick with her.
The purpose of having the finale live has quickly turned into Chris Harrison pestering us about Colton's virginity before and after every commercial break. I don't know, Chris! I don't know if he lost his virginity, stop asking me! Just let me watch Cassie and Colton rappel down some cliffs and question the nature of all human relationships!
Since he didn't get to give Cassie a Fantasy Suite last time, they get to give it another go. After the crew gets the mandatory footage of them making out, Colton ushers them out. If not for Cassie, he would have proceeded to jump her bones without making sure that he got his mic removed.
We catch back up with them in the morning and it seems like all went well. They're just hanging out. Colton is still more noticeably in love with Cassie than she is with him, but what else is new. It is at this point that the happy couple is brought out to ask about their life after filming, which mostly just sounds ... like normal people dating. He jumped a fence for Cassie just for them to sit in front of their fireplace and do yoga. Good for them, I guess. As a tribute, they bring out the band Air Supply, who only my mom recognizes. Cassie and Colton are subjected to a montage of them making out on various beaches. Standard Bachelor finale nonsense.
It is at this point that our new Bachelorette is finally revealed - Hannah B. Even though they show the video of her getting the news and its pretty cute, I'm not totally on board after the amount of drama she caused this season. Are we just going to forget how nasty she got when Caelynn tried to come for her pageant brand? Yeah, we are? Okay.
Even though this has happened at almost every live show recently, Hannah B. is surprised to find out that her season will be starting right then and there. So far, our lucky contenders are:
While last week we got our fence jump, a significant amount of time was spent on Monday to rehashing the same footage and its immediate consequences, i.e. Chris Harrison whistling out into the Portuguese wilderness like Colton is some kind of lost dog. Producers are hopping into vans and driving down every street looking for Colton, and while it's made out to be a significant amount of time before he is located, it is more likely to be a solid fifteen minutes. A woman finally lures him into a car to drive back to the hotel, and he pouts at the prospect of having to finish the show. Me too, man.
The next morning, Chris Harrison pays Colton a visit. In this moment of truth, Colton tells Chris that he stands by the decision he made last night. He's done. He regrets jumping the fence because Tayshia and Hannah deserve to know why he's leaving, which, as far as Bachelor antics go, is pretty not shitty of him. Last year we were subjected to Arie calling in a camera crew specifically for him to break up with Becca, so things could be worse.
Colton goes to see Tayshia first, and you can tell she knows something is up. They already had their one-on-one date, and she's smart enough to know this doesn't spell out good news. This hypothesis is furthered by the fact that Colton immediately bursts into tears and she needs to console him. He tells her that he can't love two people and that he loves Cassie, which, while incredibly blunt, leaves out the key fact that Cassie has already noped the hell out of her relationship. They go inside to cry some more, the microphones picking up every sob, before Colton leaves Tayshia to comfort herself since he isn't doing that good a job anyway.
Back at the live finale show, Chris Harrison brings out Tayshia to get some final closure with Colton. She looks amazing, probably because she finally realized she's too good for this show and too smart for this man. Tayshia is going to be fine without Colton.
Hannah G., however, has yet to have a lackluster Fantasy Suite date and is still very much looking forward to it. Colton comes to her room while she's journaling, and it takes her significantly longer to realize that something is up. She's so overwhelmed with emotion that she blurts out that she's in love with him before he can say that he's already chosen Cassie and that she has to leave. More tears are shed. When he finally leaves, he stops in the hallway outside her hotel room to lean on a pillar and sob some more. A producer comes out to hug him. This poor guy is a mess, but you can kind of tell that the production team is having a field day since this is going to make such great TV.
 |
| Someone get this man a tissue. |
Hannah G. comes out for her closure interview, but she is in infinitely worse shape than Tayshia. When Colton comes out, she tells him that what Cassie did to him, he did to her. True, but it's literally written into his job description. He is allowed to break up with you whenever he sees fit, and you signed up for him to do that. Would you rather be shuffled into a van after not receiving a flower from him in an impersonal ceremony? While wearing a ball gown? That was the alternative.
It's at around this point that they cut off night one, making us wait until the following day to find out if Cassie takes Colton back. Surprise, she does. It doesn't need to take up another two hours of my life, but, somehow, it does. Because, see, when she agrees to take things 'day by day' with him she is also inadvertently helping the Bachelor franchise not lose their deposit on some swanky hotel rooms in Spain. Colton drags her to meet his family and Cassie understandably gets freaked out since less than twenty-four hours ago she broke up with him. Oh, and he told them that, so now four different parents have a bone to pick with her.
The purpose of having the finale live has quickly turned into Chris Harrison pestering us about Colton's virginity before and after every commercial break. I don't know, Chris! I don't know if he lost his virginity, stop asking me! Just let me watch Cassie and Colton rappel down some cliffs and question the nature of all human relationships!
Since he didn't get to give Cassie a Fantasy Suite last time, they get to give it another go. After the crew gets the mandatory footage of them making out, Colton ushers them out. If not for Cassie, he would have proceeded to jump her bones without making sure that he got his mic removed.
We catch back up with them in the morning and it seems like all went well. They're just hanging out. Colton is still more noticeably in love with Cassie than she is with him, but what else is new. It is at this point that the happy couple is brought out to ask about their life after filming, which mostly just sounds ... like normal people dating. He jumped a fence for Cassie just for them to sit in front of their fireplace and do yoga. Good for them, I guess. As a tribute, they bring out the band Air Supply, who only my mom recognizes. Cassie and Colton are subjected to a montage of them making out on various beaches. Standard Bachelor finale nonsense.
 |
| What, the other sleeve of your dress? Yeah, its back there. |
It is at this point that our new Bachelorette is finally revealed - Hannah B. Even though they show the video of her getting the news and its pretty cute, I'm not totally on board after the amount of drama she caused this season. Are we just going to forget how nasty she got when Caelynn tried to come for her pageant brand? Yeah, we are? Okay.
Even though this has happened at almost every live show recently, Hannah B. is surprised to find out that her season will be starting right then and there. So far, our lucky contenders are:
- Luke - cute, baby face
- Man I don't remember, but has a nose ring, which is pretty dope
- Connor - tall drink of water
- Texas rap god
- Second Luke
Hannah B. makes some nonchalant joke about handing out a rose that night and Chris Harrison immediately jumps on board. Everyone is flustered. Backstage, interns are forced to put together some sort of rose ceremony in a single commercial break. Hannah B. gives it to Texas rap god and we can all go home knowing Hannah's season is going to be exactly as much of a hot mess as originally expected.
Can't wait.
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